One thing that I learned in my trek out west to see my birth mother is that I was the one who separated us. I would not give her an inch.
At ten or so, I had to keep my sanity stable within myself because I knew that no one out there was going to take care of me. Four hundred Volkswagen Beetles were counted that day in LA some fifty years ago.
I could not tell you a word she said but I know that she tried to talk to me for the length of the time it took me to count those cars. I did not dare listen. I was in survival mode.
I see this in the eyes of my grandchildren today as well. They know that I cannot step in and save them from their parents mistakes or what is going on behind closed doors with those who think it is okay to manipulate others for their own gratification. Big things or little, they know they are on their own.
This world is not one where we can unite. We need to understand that, accept it, and move into a new state of “being”.
Do you suppose the same mental protectors are in gear today? I learned to listen to my gut and my heart, an inner voice of survival, instead of in a place where community rules.
I was lucky. I have been a loner and though I “miss” others, I do not mind.
I do not fare well in civilized company because I do not choose to walk to a civilized, agreed upon tune. This is drawn up by the largest or wittiest dog in the pack and we all step in line or we are cast out.
At the death of my daughter her father’s side of the family were willing to forget all and let me be a part of their community. I could not do it, not even for the sake of a son, a daughter, and several grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
I knew who ran that ship and I would not bow to her interpretation of what I was. Sadly, I blew up and burned bridges at the funeral. That does not mean that I am not still an influence in all their lives and that they do not watch me, because they do.
Upon my return from the coast, my children (the ones who maintain contact) acted different toward me. They seemed kind, they seemed genuinely glad to have me here. This is not the norm. The “I love you” was sincere and not a formality. I had to hear it twice when I heard it.
A gesture of kindness, “let me get this for you” was given to me, as if I was a welcome visitor in their home. I was even paid compliments by someone who could not stand my company for twenty years.
I was not use to such behavior from them and I needed time to regroup from the challenge of being homeless and the diverse ways that humanity belittles and imprisons itself that I witnessed first hand on the coast.
I spent hours in the company of family as if I was a welcome guest and then I turned the tables. I expressed distress at a turn of events that, well, that just did not matter in the scope of things. I had even been told about the situation and okayed it before. Can you believe I wounded an animal, accidentally-but still, in the process? Good Grief!
I think this outburst may have occurred to allow me to distance myself from what was going on. An inclusion to the “family structure” that I was not willing to accept until I understood the terms of that inclusion.
While reflecting on why there was a shift in behavior on behalf of the others, I realize it may have something to do with the scales of justice that hang in the subconscious of Christ’s Guilty Conscience.
If someone has been wounded enough we can show them kindness because we then can beat ourselves up because we (or someone) caused them harm somewhere before. It is sort of a kindness balancing act that really does not last, but makes us feel good for the moment.
I do not mean this to be offensive or say that I did not appreciate the sense of “inclusion” that was offered me. I just mean that I want to be in a safe place emotionally and this world without acknowledgement of Christ does not offer me that.
Freedom, kindness, and appreciation without Christ being pre-eminent (meaning superior to or notable above all others; outstanding ……per the College Dictionary 4th Edition) in the world is tough to live by. It makes you an outcast.
I do not know if my words make any sense at all. I am nearing a point where I really do not care if I get anyone to listen, I just want to focus on keeping myself in the “zone” of witnessing Christ. Yet, as God gives me breath I will not give up trying no matter how overwhelming the situation looks.
A Course In Miracles, chapter thirteen, says that the reason the ego attempts to kill the Son of God is because His guiltlessness is blasphemous to God. So do not be guiltless is the lesson.
We speak of righteousness and doing well and achieving, but truth is we will not allow it.
And sitting in a ivory tower, looking at the rest of the world, saying “I got here, why can’t you?” is false in the highest degree because there is no duality, we are only One.
We believe if someone has enough trauma in their life, “maybe they are a sinner just like me, so now I can forgive them”. Or better yet, if I forgive a real “witch”, I will be the better man. Either way we have placed one on a pedestal and one in a ditch. We stand uneven in our association.
This is not of God.
It explains why you can never go back home. You have stepped outside of the community balancing poles. It also explains clicks and how you cannot “fit in” if you have not grown up there. You just have not paid your dues by being trashed well enough.
I have been so naïve for so many years. I am grateful for the understanding that Spirit has given me. I do not want to beat anybody up and I do not want to be beaten up.
We are told that we have to look at how things are really, in the now, and then recognize that we are eternal beings and always perfect and in a state of grace (ACIM Chapter 13). This will help us “see” the illusion that we are living.
True Love of God and amongst each other does not come and go depending on how we behave. It is always, because we are always.
If the welcome the children gave me was sincere, time will show it. Sadly, I sense it may only be a gesture given to appease their conscience at how my siblings and family out west treated me and will go with the wind, as did the welcome at my daughter’s funeral.
It is okay. It will not change my feelings toward them, nothing could. It will not change the fact that I know who they really are and who we are to each other. It will have an impact on my behavior though.
I do not know how I will proceed from here. I know that to see Christ (I do not mean Jesus alone) everywhere and to have knowledge of being Christ (each of us is) and forgiving Christ (ourselves and all else) for any discomfort that is outside the sphere of joy is my objective, goal, and truth.
The only true communication is that which is by the Spirit and that acknowledges Christ in all things.
Indeed, the old me is dead, I want no claim on her. I see her faults and I will see more. As I interact among people, I see how what I am and who I am, could be seen as so egotistical, greedy, pious, and maybe at times, just plain mean.
I am not sure how to change that witness it may seem others are getting. I know that beating myself up and playing the martyr is not it. I cannot deny my own basic needs and sanity for some preconceived sense of sins I need to pay for.
No, I need to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually and give God the glory.
I distance myself, not because I do not love, but because I wish to do no harm. To stay in my own space and forgive Christ, bearing witness, where I can, of God’s Love for Him is all I know to do.
Love in the societies we have, without knowledge of Christ, is just another form of attack and manipulation.
I was blessed as a child to feel the love of those who harmed and betrayed me and I chose to keep that witness. I still have it today. I keep my safe distance though.
I want Christ alone and I want to give Him to God’s love. It gets easier, day by day for me to see how confused and confusing the world is.
I understand more about how it has been for the children I raised, especially from the perspective I gave them of being peacemaker in an attacking world. I really had no idea what life was and only may only be getting glimpses of it now.
I am not sure if the world will understand what I am trying to give them, but I will use all my energy to share the Love of the Father for the Son. The Holy Spirit will bear witness to those willing to receive it.
Till next time
God bless us every One, Namaste~