She said, “It’s only a movie, it is not real.” I had always been queasy when it came to movies. Reality and fiction where difficult for me to discern from my early youth. What my step mother did not know or at least express to me was that life is more unreal than it is real as well. At least in the way that we see it now. It does not always need to be this way. And I dare to say it will not always be this way. The word of God testifies of this.

God has the power to transmute the illusion that the united consciousness of man has formed into truth and wholeness, restored to the beauty the Creator intended through His messenger, the Holy Ghost/Spirit. This having been said, the spiritual and psychological journey that we may undertake in this sphere is phenomenal. The freedom that I speak of is to be found in that pursuit. The true freedom of mankind is not in his circumstance but in the recesses of his heart and mind as he awakens to his connection with the divine.

New Year’s 2014 I took on a different attitude. I embraced NOW, N=not the illusion, O=all encompassing, and W=the upside down M representing to me the millennium being brought on our/my bringing heaven to earth. It created for me a foundation that would help me endure another very challenging year.

I remember another year that was similar in many ways, that started with a prompting to do a thankful journal. That year saw a rift between a daughter and I that would prove to be unremovable for some 20 years and counting. Such was the price I would pay to allow her agency and freedom. Following the prompting, kept me in touch with my truth, that all things have a positive purpose before God and that He will lift us up to Him as we acknowledge Him through gratitude for all we experience.

My focus on the millennium reminded me that people of all faiths who were righteous would be allowed to rebuild the world, to restore it to its paradisaical  glory (such as before the fall of man from paradise-today I can visualize even beyond that state). To embrace this factor it would be necessary to open my heart and my mind to interact with people’s of differing beliefs in a positive way.

You might say that I had actually begun this in earnest in 2013 when I had what seemed to be an insatiable appetite for NDE study. There are many such accounts on You Tube but I had found a site that had over 3000 accounts already streamlined and answering specific questions that intrigued me. I collected over 1000 pages of info (and I only read 600 accounts) that I look forward to reviewing because I believe they pertain to important spiritual things and they do not come from strictly the LDS, or Mormon, perspective which is the faith structure that I had been living by for 30 years.

Hay House did a web summit, in early 2014 I believe, that I viewed and in it Dr Dyer spoke of things that Jesus taught, which I recognized from my personal scripture study. He would reference a book that he had studied and I felt the prompting to look into it. It was A Course In Miracles. Finding that book and studying it saved my psychological health in my opinion because it witnessed of truths that the Holy Spirit had taught me over the years and magnified them. It literally gave me a platform to hold on to my sanity, that along with my foundation in the word of God and the gospel of Jesus Christ, especially when I was informed by the Holy Ghost/Spirit that my eldest daughter would die and I would have no power to stop it. (Again, the cost of allowing agency and freedom. They are true and correct principles that not even God, Himself will trespass. Sadly, she did pass this past June. I cannot express the disbelief and horror that floods me as I type that.)

I am currently on my second read of ACIM. I am doing the workbook and have just passed the 100 day mark. Even having read it through prior, I am astounded at the depth of its instruction this second time. I am so grateful for my exposure and witness of the standard works of Christianity before coming to this book. The opinions in the world could easily confuse, delude, and distract an individual, if not cause outright insanity in the reading as it literally shows how insane we truly are as a people, particularly at this point in our evolution.

There is a richness and fullness here in ACIM that I cannot ignore. I hunger and thirst after it. I listen along the way to the whisperings of the Holy Ghost/Spirit and watch for that which would trick or sidetrack me. These are things that I know the ego or, as I used to say, the adversary would have us get stuck in. Everything is so real and yet it is all illusion and truly only my delusional mind or thoughts in so many ways. Let’s just say I proceed with caution and faith that I will be guided by the Holy Ghost/Spirit, the Lord, and Heavenly Father in all things.

During this time, I have continued my studies in the standard works of Christianity and Mormonism. My church attendance is getting more challenging because of distance and funds and the inability to express what I am learning in the gospel. This has always been the case at church; it is just that now, I really do have the confidence to know that I know what I am talking about and that it is important for us to look at these things as a human race. The church environment just does not allow us to talk to each other at this point unless we are quoting General Authorities, but what is that in preserving or preparing a people who know and love the Lord? Where is freedom and individuality if we only mimic and quote others? Even in mimicking or following Jesus we are to do so in spirit not in actuality and walk to the well looking for the Samaritan woman.

I know I am where I am supposed to be though; when I considered moving here to be moral support for family I knew I may need to forfeit church attendance. It just so happened that the lessons at church taught me that if I could go through that difficulty with them, I could endure what I needed to help my family, which is my main stewardship.

He has given me a year to acclimate to my surroundings while being able to get to church and I do have a couple of callings which I honor from a distance. I try my best to get there for sacrament, but it seems health care has taken a priory on getting gas to be able to get to church. Oh well, He knows I would if I could. In truth, I have hardly missed any entirely as yet, but it is a struggle.

My daily studies are intense and regular and include at least the Book of Mormon, if not all of the standard works along with ACIM, the Ensign, and journaling. My circumstances do not allow regular temple attendance though I long for it. On my to-do list is a better involvement in my personal history and genealogy work. Currently I feel pressed to do this psychological work that supports my sanity and keeps me out of the dark tunnels of suicide and overwhelming grief and that takes priority.

My work involves EFT, which for me has taken a form of prayer, my studies, and the writing which bears witness of the spiritual/psychological journey that I am taking. I must confess that many days I fight to maintain the basics of living and getting to work and home and am grateful when it is accomplished. My hope and faith is in the gospel of Jesus Christ and in his direction and guidance; that allows me hope and light as I continue the journey.

I long for personal communication with living beings but that is very shallow and difficult except with an occasional one or two. To alter someone’s perception is a serious matter and to do so before they are ready may cause a lot of harm and so I wait and study and pray and write and I say the Lord’s prayer and leave my brothers and sisters in the hands of the Lord.

I am in good company though because I am in the presence of the Lord and those who have passed who have known Him. They encourage me and strengthen me and remind me of who I am and what I was called to do. What we were ALL called to do…

In part two I will be exposing some new things I have been studying and the challenges that I have met. The die is cast, I know the road I need to travel, at least for the foreseeable future. May God grant me the ability to share what He would have me share and the courage to not shun the task. Remember, “it’s only a movie”. 😉

Till then, God Bless, In Jesus Name







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