God will give us what we want. Have you ever thought about what you really want? What is behind what you believe that you want? What will it give you once you have it? Sadly sometimes (ACIM says this is always what the ego wants, not sometimes) what we want is to be stripped down and beaten as if we have done something so awful that only humiliating and debilitating punishment would suffice. I have read a few times of those who live on the edge of sanity and how others are drawn to them and reveal their desire to be punished greatly. It is heartbreaking to realize that we all live in that state on what might be called a subconscious level.
I am beginning to get an understanding for why this may be so. A Course In Miracles says it the most distinctly as it speaks of the guilt that we feel with the misguided idea that we have somehow separated ourselves from God. This is the source of our guilt on a deep unconscious level. It really makes sense to me and is the only logical explanation for what I have witnessed in life.
So we come into the world and we live a life that we feel is of our own making and leave out a very important factor. We do not acknowledge what we truly are. What we overlook is that we are all here by God’s design and for His purposes. In the standard works He commands that we are to have no other gods before Him. Yet, is our life not a flurry of just that as we perceive that the body or our family or our community, or anything else conceivable, needs to take first place or take up the majority of our cognitive awareness?
The ego tempts us with this question…Why give recognition to something we cannot see (God) when there are so many pressing issues placed on us through our senses? We are not able to see as stated in Mark 4:19 “And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.” By their fruits ye shall know them.
I felt as though I had lived several lifetimes by the time I was 49. I had repeatedly attempted to fill the roles that I felt were expected of me, even though I had the handicap of being “soiled” merchandise because of being molested and on many levels abandoned as a child. I chose to love and forgive instead of being bitter. I held to an idea that somebody, outside myself, must know things better than me and I kept searching for that key that would open the door to my understanding so that I could be a fully functioning part of the world that I seemed to be a part of, yet I had so much trouble sharing the love that I had to give. I suspect that if I had allowed bitterness to enter in I would have considered only myself to have knowledge and consider all others stupid. Either avenue of thought is false in my opinion and does not reflect truth, rather the false images of the ego that keep us entrapped with either having to build up our false images of ourselves or continually seeking outside ourselves for that which cannot be found accept within.
It seemed like a lot of things fell apart as I reached the half century mark of my life.
- My very wobbly marriage crashed overnight.
- This caused a severe blow to other fragile family relationships most revealing there was no real substance there anyway.
- My step mother died severing a fragile co-existence with her other children and her family members, including the only sibling of 12 that I knew their whereabouts.
- With the divorce came loss of income and thus loss of lifestyle. I was allowed a time to be in very pleasant surroundings and had to teach myself that it was okay to take care of just me.
As my children had separated themselves from me I felt unneeded by others and emotionally I was drained. My metaphor was that of a pancake. I had no substance left to draw on for my own survival and without having someone outside of me, have need of me, I felt very much at a loss.
This is where the creation of Christa-Ann Faith Godsdaughter came into being. I will share that story in a book I am preparing.
To follow along with the theme of this series on make-up suffice it to say that I was in need of creating an anchor or life preserver to give me something to hang on to with hope and that would entice me and encourage me to continue on. I kept the light and hope of the gospel of Jesus Christ as my guide, even as my humanity, ego, and weaknesses took me through the trenches of life.
Again I will not give you details but I will give a list reflective of what I believe that in the core of my subconscious I was thinking that brought me challenges and enlightenment:
- I believed that it was my responsibility to survive and not to leave my sanity or survival in the hands of others.
- I believed that to best serve those I love I may need to be out of reach logistically or move to an area that would teach me, even if it would separate me physically from my family.
- I believed God would allow me to understand how to cope in the world with the name I had taken and chosen to live by.
- I believed that a “good” man in my life would make all the difference even as I grew in autonomy or self awareness and skills.
- I believed that the Holy Ghost could and would direct me through life to understand Him and my place in His kingdom.
- I believed I had a witness and testimony that was worth hearing and that He had not given me life to have it wasted and washed away without a meaning beyond a chemical composite within the web of His creation.
- I believed that if I placed myself in His hands he would use me as a healing influence in my family.
- I believed that higher education would enlighten me.
- I believed those with gifts of economic, spiritual, and educational abundance would lead me to a greater understanding of who I am and what that means before God.
Each of these proved to be useful and true with the last teaching me things that I hardly expected them to do. They taught me how false this world is, even in its best form, or what I perceived was its best form.
So I wear the makeup and color my hair not to create a false reality but to declare that this is not life, there is something greater that we are and that it is exciting, fun, sensual, and delightful to experience. 🙂
It is a pity that pain is the tool that teaches us this but it is so and even the pain becomes a welcome friend and guide. And that is another story.
God bless, love to all,