It was 15 years ago now that I first delved in depth into meditation (intense practice for three years). I pulled away from it to get grounded in my personal faith as I felt guided to by the Holy Ghost. I find myself drawn into it again as I deal with PTSD symptoms and seek to heal my psychic/cognitive, and emotional energies. I am in a program that takes one into the deep meditation by digital influence. I want to record this journey in fairness to those who may read or listen to my other recordings and perceptions. It is with cautious excitement, ever alertness, and constant prayer that I proceed.
There were several things that I gained in my study/practice from years past that stayed with me. Incorporating yoga with the journey, I learned to be aware of my limitations and to see that while I may not be able to surpass them by leaps and bounds that I could “stretch” myself a little bit and progress in the direction I chose to go. Meditation itself helped me to become aware of the mind thoughts and the one who watched them, the observer, known in some circles as “the witness”. I think of this observer as my eternal spirit that can remain outside of my emotions and even the often twisting and turning chaos of the cognitive mind. While it has not always able to keep me from making choices that were not in my best interest, it was able to allow me to see what I was doing and not create such an emotional attachment that I would be glued to the circumstance or situation but that I could (sometimes with a virtual chisel and hammer) break through the resistance that I had to better choices and ultimately get myself on a path that I really wanted to be on.
Because of this and many other blessings, strugglings, prayers, and teachings I have been able to make major changes in my behavior and set my ship in a direction of my own choosing (which is accordance with my witness of the gospel of Jesus Christ) rather than being pulled by other individuals or my own weaknesses and shortcomings/addictions. As I focused on my faith and lined my life (in thought and action) up with my beliefs I have been able to overcome abusive thinking patterns that set me up to fail regularly. I used affirmations to retrain my subconscious mind and lift me to a place where I was able to feel that I could accept the love that Heavenly Father offers me. (at least at a cognitive level…it is my fear that I may not be able to do so at a subconscious level that leads me to return to the meditation and continue my healing on a much deeper level)
Part of the study of yoga and meditation included living by a moral code of conduct and I had some deep rooted sinful (non-virtuous) patterns that I was using to deal with personal pain in my life that needed to be removed before I could find peace of mind. There were also some incredible truths that I needed to learn for myself and for my posterity. I have written of many of these in my series “Portrait of a Harlot/Saint”. (see http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=portrait%20of%20a%20harlot%2Fsaint)
One other thing that came out of those years of practice was the understanding of what slow and steady breathing can do to calm the nerves and give one the moments necessary to make better decisions. This breathing practice has also helped me to not present myself as flustered when I face a situation that may be uncomfortable or even dangerous to me. (more about these moments in future entries)
All of these things have served me well these past 15 years as I have really hit the glacier of my mortal existence and I have been able to whittle through it and find the core issues and make cognitive choices to put me on the path I want to take and establish throughout the rest of my life and into eternity. One thing I have been made acutely aware of is the level of PTSD that I have from my earthly existence and that the healing and awareness has not removed the raw nerves that I have when people come close to me but has in fact gotten more raw, though the Holy Ghost helps me bear the pain. I know that it will take healthy interaction with human beings this side of the veil (before death) to help me over these things. This witness comes from the teachings about ordinances that are necessary in the flesh as taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. (I do not speak for the church in any way, I am only a member and testify according to my own understanding…if I am wrong I take accountability and responsibility for this alone.)
A few months ago I heard about a program that could digitally take you into deep meditation without the years of practice and that it would develop the brain and make both sides more balanced and I believe that I am being guided to use this tool to heal the psychic and emotional, as well as the physiological parts of myself and beyond.
I want to share that journey with you. It is exciting and frightening and because of my history I need this outlet to stabilize myself. I also feel a responsibility to my children and my readers and listeners of my online ministry. It is only fair that they are able to see that I am so truly mortal as they are. I do what I do to give glory to God, not to myself, and this is part of that resolution and belief. When I am in the teaching/witnessing mode the Holy Ghost is able to be with me. I am not going to share the name of the program I am using just yet because I do not want to encourage something that I am not completely confident in yet. I will need to walk the path for a while first and make sure that I am able to sustain my grounding in Jesus Christ with no question because that is the truth that I am dedicated to no matter what.
The makers of this meditation program are not inclined to the gospel of Jesus Christ. They are more “new age” or of an eastern persuasion and I do not want to send someone into that philosophy cart blanch because I have a great respect for my readers and for the philosophies of the world and I believe some can be very dangerous to our eternal progression. Please understand that I have a firm witness that Jesus Christ is the only way that we can truly have eternal life and return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. At the same time he does tell us that all that the world offers is ours for using as good stewards with temperance and soberness. I will follow as the Holy Spirit directs and listen for halt or caution signals but I will not “throw the baby out with the bath water” so to speak just because their core belief system is different from mine. In my next entry I will express some of my observations as I have entered this therapeutic opportunity.