(Warning, this is a Rabbit Hole.)
Do I Belong In the Public Eye?
I have spent a lifetime thinking that I would go into the public eye some day. I was going to do something great, I just knew it. I would recover from this world of bully’s, wife-beating papa’s, and a place I could find no one to talk to or who could help.
I remember thinking about this when I was in third grade. I daydreamed of returning to the community I went to school in. I even had a little white dog in my arms, as I returned in my glory to bless them with my wisdom and repay them for the things that I had stolen out of the lunch bags, lockers, and lost and found. Little things that told me there was a better place somewhere.
No, I do not do that anymore, though I get accused through the years, because I know what it is like to be poor and I have been known to go Dumpster Diving. I am sure somewhere in a future history that will be the shining light on who I am for some who knew me. They will tell the stories of my degradation. I wonder if they will see the desire to recycle and to enjoy what has been given, as well.
(As a side note, that is also the year I remember attempting suicide in the school lavatory. I passed out before I did any damage to myself.)
I took a Children’s Writing Course when my youngest was about three or four. I would teach the next generation, I thought to myself. I remember writing about The Day the Farm Broke. The time my father pulled the car aside near the railroad tracks, before we got into the town that held the farm I enjoyed visiting as a child. With my little sister, about four at the time, sleeping in the back seat, he masturbated between my legs. I was so afraid she would wake up or someone would come by. My place of refuge had been demolished!
This is what I had to share with the next generation? Yeah! Right!
Besides there were five children still at home I was to raise, on my own, of course. The oldest had been torn away by life’s tide and was living with her dad. I had never been inner city, but I made a move about that time, that took me through the eye of the needle like nothing else would.
Within a mile of Minneapolis I got to take the children to an inner city church. It is a good thing that God puts blinders on us as we go into life, because I can assure you I would not have yielded to the education that I was going to get there, had I understood it beforehand. Ha, at least not in this life, right?!
Funny, how that is the way I feel, about a lot of life. Thank goodness that God sprinkles flowers, birds, a breeze, sunshine, a gentle rain, and other beauties of nature to allow us to have the opportunity to see the brilliance that is possible, even as we travel through humanity and its varying forms of insanity.
I had tapped into motivational speakers throughout my life and I bought success courses. I followed the latest pop-psychiatric literature. I read about communication like a fiend. I even joined my youngest in college, when she was ready and struggled through about six years of higher education, leaving because I could not deal with the male energy I felt coming from the younger classmates and others.
My daughter had her own space and ideas about higher education and I really had nothing to give her, except a witness of a quest for knowledge that it seemed, I could not stop if I wanted to. Not that I ever wanted to. I feel like I came into the world with a lust for understanding the non-understandable.
When I returned to the vicinity of my grand-children, after being educated for a few years in Salt Lake Valley, by the population and BYU, I spent the $10,000 I had in a 401K to take yet another course that would push me over the top and give me my legs as a speaker or educator.
Well, push me over the top it did. I had so much confidence between the course work and the EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, tapping) that I was doing, not to mention the thirty plus years that I had spent studying the Bible and other spiritual works that I could find — that I frightened everyone.
One fellow made fun of me and took a note pad out when I stopped by to chat so that he could write down what I had to say. A few months, later I saw him at the college library where he was finishing up his eleven page paper on a concept that I had offered about his study of addiction. Which was, in my years of overcoming addictions and watching others with them, what the human creature did was simply choose to replace healthier addictions for ones considered unhealthy.
Confidence is one of the gifts promised for the dedication of searching and pondering the scriptures, but it scares the hell out of the people you go to church with. Even leaders, for you threaten their leadership. Which is silly, because leadership that does not give power to those they lead is not leadership. It is dictatorship, despotism, tyranny, authoritarianism, totalitarianism, etc.. Remind you of any organizations you know?
So here I am, five books under my belt. A 180 degree turn about in my understanding of life, and time and means to really pursue that position I thought I would one day hold. No immediate responsibilities to others. I’ve given the children all I have.
I could step out now and let the world know what I have learned. And learned I have. I am able to see things that would drive the most calm, insane. Yet, I still have peace in my heart.
I have lost all congregating opportunities, because the things I have been taught by the Spirit are so different from anything out there. I do not mix well in groups or one on one anymore. Do you think I am more of a threat because I am a woman? I am only now beginning to really “feel” or “acknowledge” in my core the truth of this. I have not been much of a feminist in the past. I am more into basic survival.
I could change the world. I have no doubt. But you cannot give a gift that is not received. You cannot make anyone receive anything. It has to be desired. It has to be believed in. No, the receiver has to have the desire to receive it. Or the ability to believe that it is possible at least. Or, is it the ability to believe that they are worthy of receiving it?
If life has shown me anything, it is that the treasures that humanity says it praises and holds most dear is not really something that reaches the sub-conscious. In some circles it is a hard and fast rule to trip each other up and one’s self while you are at it. Actually, I believe this applies to all of us and I believe that was what Jesus was trying to talk to us about.
Who am I to think I can get his message out, when he could not? Then again, who am I to not think, that if I understand it, that I need to try?
I cannot stop the research. I cannot stop looking for something that tells me I am off base. I cannot stop writing, because that opens the space for additional instruction from the Spirit.
But I am not sure that I want to pay to put myself in a position to thwart off Trolls, bully’s, and who knows what. And at this point of the game I have no one in the flesh who is willing to stand beside me in what I understand, though I have no doubt that many who have left the flesh are watching me and absorbing what I share.
Crazy, aren’t I? Not really. Perhaps I am the most sincere and transparent as I have ever been in my life.
I know that I have no tolerance for verbal abuse. I can tell when hater’s are nearby; the kind that have to drop you to your knees, whether you “get it” or not, just so they can get through the day. I do not want to invite that tsunami my direction and I believe that is what I would do if I made myself a public figure.
I will not stop the fight. It is a heated war, wherever you are, you are a part of it. And here is your ammunition:
1. None of this, that hurts or harms, is real or has any lasting effect beyond this pinpoint we call time.
2. Forgiveness is foundational, but it has to be the right kind. It has to be the kind that knows that the original creator of this “fake” world was confused and bewildered. And that he thought that he had separated from his father and creator.
3. You can change the DNA of your psyche by remembering that you are of God and that God is omnipotent/all-powerful, and so are you. Omniscient and so are you. And omnipresent and so are you. (Boy, that was a mouth full. This is the first time I said that. And yet, it must be if God truly IS at all. And I have witnessed and experienced too many things in my life to believe that he does not exist.)
4. What also must be recognized is that you are living a role that is predestined in the sense that we agreed to it before we came. There is still freedom of choice and variables here, as long as the main theme of your “role” is not disrupted. This is the component that messes with people, because they do not have a clear understanding of who and what Christ is and what that means in your personal life and to humanity as a whole. I dare say, it has been misunderstood for so many years by very sincere and dedicated people.
Let me just say I do not have any problem with you calling Christ or God anything else. Just as long as you get the concept of father and son. I really think that this is the pattern that we take after Him in, in terms of being created in His image. That relationship is key to establishing what we need to understand about ourselves, in relation to Source, Higher Self, or God, the Father of Christ.
I am just going to be me. If I were to get a publisher take me on, I would have to write to their tune and for profit; and that is just something I cannot bring myself to do.
I am not afraid of money, really, I would just give it away anyhow. The Lord has taken care of me this far, I trust he will see me to the end of things in this frame.
I am at a crossroads of needing to take that step, to get a publishing company to back me up, or stay steady on the path I know and can manage. I could do my radio shows again and I have several books to write, fictional and non-fiction.
I do not want the pace or pressure that celebrity would bring. I have done this in some work through writing for at least eight years and I know what my body, psyche, and emotions can handle. Besides, who knows what other shocks I will deal with.
A tough skin is not what I have acquired, as seems to have been suggested throughout my life. Instead, I feel on a level that, without the support of angels and the Holy Spirit, I could not begin to accept what I understand. The death of my daughter four years ago causes me to quake even today. I say that, even as I know that she walks with me now, and has helped me be able to handle what I have been given, and desired, to learn.
If another child dies before I go, I do not know how I would bear it. I am a walking bundle of nerve endings that is attached to angels and God’s grace, and that is how I go from one day to the next.
No, celebrity is not for me. But I will teach and give all that I have as long as I am allowed to do so. Besides I am so frigging’ gullible it is ridiculous. I would be sunk before I even got started. I take people at face value and often stand there with egg on my face as they move on. I do not mind. I just sink back into the shadows and lick my wounds, as the Spirit helps me understand what just happened.
It is the smartest course for someone who takes a road that no one else has travelled. Others watch me, but no one “has my back”, because they do not get where were I am at and this is okay. This strategy has allowed me to weather a lot of storms and circumstances in my life.
I would like to be a steady voice that adds to the understanding of Consciousness and let someone else “lead the pack”, if you will. I believe my role is more of the servant. I learned it as a child. It served me best to be able to hold my head above the roaring waters of deception I have found in the world. And besides, I can give someone another way to look at something and not have to risk being a guru or soul guide. I can clean the cobwebs out or sweep the floor, without having to be a brain surgeon and risking someone’s life.
I do not know what the future will bring. I know I have to continue this work and that I cannot be put in a position where I have to answer to anyone other than myself and God. You might say that, as a child I thought the world could be changed “out there”. I thought for sure someone else had the answers and I would follow them.
I was over 50 years of age before I finally accepted that there was no truth to that. Choices and circumstances have trained me to go inside and I have found depths that I did not know that I had. Life continues to teach me, but I do not need to step into the way of an avalanche, knowing I will be knocked down and made vulnerable. Yet, this is how I feel when I think of joining with others in the traditional way, of getting my message out there.
Then again, maybe it is the simple daily dedication to understanding the teachings of Jesus, as they pertain to Christ, that will rock this ship into a safe harbor. The Lord has carried me thus far, I think I will trust him into the future as well. I would rather pray that the Spirit bring those who are able to hear what I have to share into the presence of my message. And so it is.
Till next time, God bless, Namaste~