Post/after, traumatic/upsetting, stress/life, disorder/opposite of order….lol, my definitions…(PS… I am not a doctor or professional in any field, just a FYI)

I wonder if there is anyone who does not have post traumatic stress disorder? Is not birth about the most traumatic thing you can experience in this life? Going from an environment where all is well in every sense to a place where you are smacked, prodded, and poked; one that is filled with mixed messages?

Life is chaotic. If it is calm or static it is an illusion for everything is chaos is it not? I believe so. Quantum physics seems to show this is so. I believe that it is God and his precepts that bring order to the universe on all levels. This is not happenstance and this is not contrary to the concept of love but it is very contrary to man’s way of thinking in his “logical” or “scientific” concepts, in my opinion. The scriptures teach that God’s understanding is not that of man. They also teach that if one aligns oneself with the commandments and with truth, that the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost will come and dwell with you. So that places the ball in our court does it not? Perhaps it is man’s view of chaos or our expectations of life that need adjustment.

Today I find myself in an environment where I understand where I am, what I am, and what my purpose is. I know who the enemy is and what he looks like. I know my resources, which includes knowing my strengths and my weaknesses. I am diligent, daily, in putting on the armor that protects that which is vulnerable and that which is sacred to me.

So why do I even suggest that I may have PTSD? Because I am alive, because I am mortal and because I come up against pain at times that is beyond my ability to know what to do about it. I have to admit that I hit this pain most often when I try to interact with other mortals. I believe that it is in conditions where you are “safe”, meaning you “feel safe” to “feel”, that symptoms of PTSD can be most felt. That is also why PTSD symptoms often come out with those who are closest to you and that you profess to “love”, which can be very confusing when the PTSD is expressed in anger. The anger comes forth because of the need to cover up the pain, fear, and confusion that lies beneath the anger.

Anger is not the emotion that I have to deal with very often any longer mainly because at my age and stage of life I have no one for whom I am truly responsible besides myself. I raised my children to be independent and they are grown and have lives of their own. Some of my grand children are with me for precious and rare moments that I try to give over to God to let the Holy Spirit teach, through me, what God would have them know, according to his knowledge of what they are willing to receive.

When I am tempted to turn to anger I give it up in prayer to God and put the name of the person (s) on the prayer roll as I seek the Holy Spirit’s counsel to know what I can learn (and teach) from the situation. You might say I have come to terms with the fact that there is little that I can do or must do to make life easier for others, meaning I can offer what I have and then I must let go and give them over to God. This is a huge part of my faith, though I must admit that it can feel like it will nearly kill me at times as I see my children (or others) making decisions that I feel “trap” them in places that they do not have to be but I have an understanding, by the witness of the Holy Ghost, that there are some pains and discomforts that I cannot take away from them without going contrary to the plan of salvation. This is part of allowing them their agency.

During a time when I realized that I had accepted life, its challenges, and God’s will in my life, I was hit with a form of PTSD manifested by panic attacks, where I finally ended up going to the hospital thinking my life was at risk.  When we can see such experiences from the light of the gospel it can bring understanding and the ability to walk a bit stronger. It was two thousand dollars for an emergency room visit, research into herbal aids, and a witness from the Holy Ghost that my “panic” symptoms came from the fact that I was in a “safe place” (this has not been my norm throughout life) that strengthened me. I was also led to a simple workout program that showed me that I had endurance power that I had no idea I had.

That physical witness of my ability to endure came at a time when my emotional state would be maxed as it was revealed that someone close to me was struggling with suicidal tendencies and has been for some time. I also discovered that fragile ties were soon cut and my hands tied and the gag put over my mouth so I could speak to him. Now I wait for that call that says this person gave up and lost the battle. This truly has pushed me to a new “endurance thresh hold”. Now I place this person in God’s care and will love him come what may. I will not give up on this person or on me, even though others may not see it that way.

With the knowledge that I have of the gospel plan and the ordinances that must be performed in this life for the hope of family ties, I also have the awareness of how fragile is my relationship with my family. The gospel is so real to me that I have the witness in my heart that as I interact with people, I am interacting more with their ghosts than I am with them. This is because I am able to tell when they have not grounded themselves in the gospel light and have shut themselves off from that which will give them their families which they claim to love and the ability to grow and communicate with each other, not to mention themselves. I truly believe that it is only through God that these abilities will continue beyond death of the mortal body. I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father will not let them go and will bless them to the extent they are willing to receive. No wonder the scriptures say “I have no greater joy than to know that my children walk in the light of the gospel” (or something like that). I believe that it is only logical to realize the opposite may be the feeling of the heart if they do not walk in that light and safety. This is a very deep doctrine not openly recognized but something that I believe we are able to comprehend and need to understand. This is also where meekness and long-suffering must be exercised. It is a true principle and part of Heavenly Father’s plan.

I have a sense of what it may be like to go to different kingdoms in heaven and visit with those who do not understand certain laws, because of the laws that I live by. For years I would sabotage and stump my own growth to stay on the level that those around me were at. I have had to learn that I cannot do that and be true to the purpose of my creation. It is important to realize that to give ones self up without first having ones self is to store resentment and encourage an emotional cancer that has the power to literally manifest itself in physical cancer as the very (cognitive and physical) essence that allows ones life turns on itself and destroys me as my “will” has instructed it to do. There is an extremely powerful truth in this principle that today’s medicine is just beginning to really give some credit to.

I have come to understand that ultimately what I want to do is be a manifestation of God’s love in the flesh, wherever I am. To do this I must first have myself and then give myself up willingly to his will, even as Christ did.

Christa-Ann