A Human Love Story…

I recently finished reading the autobiographies of the two people who acted as scribes for A Course In Miracles, Helen Shucman, PhD. and William Thetford, Ph.D. Helen’s visions and the possibility of prior lives that they may have shared, gives me reason to reflect on the relationship they had here, especially in what is recorded in the last few years of Helen’s life for both of them.(http://shop.acim.org/products/helen-schucman-autobiography and http://shop.acim.org/products/thetford-life-story )

Yes, I do accept the idea that re-incarnation is a possibility, but I also believe that these lives are not truly life and that they are more like dreams that seem like they are linear, but are really all happening simultaneously. I know it is not a typical LDS/Mormon teaching, but I am open to the possibility. I have always had an open mind about reality, meaning I knew there were things beyond our senses that were true. Throughout my life I have been willing to accept that this is our life, personal events, especially this past decade, have challenged everything I based that on.

I have experienced enough of life, pain, and everybody’s idea of what is going on, to be willing to go inside and find out what I believe.

I believe in God and His Son and His love for us. I believe in the family organization of humanity. I believe that this is the form of organization that our Heavenly Father, who is the originator of all that is, would want us to have. Yes, that means that I believe in a man and a woman head up the family as a single unit. I believe that the Creator and His Son have female counterparts that are equal in their strength, power, and benevolence.

I started this blog to teach of the truths that Jesus Christ professed and to show that He has taught us what we need to reach our potential. I also believe there are many ways to come to God; His teachings are unsurpassed in my opinion and have the most direct course and greatest hope of receiving the greatest extent of our potential. He is the example that I follow, ponder, admire, and desire to emulate.

I have always been interested in the relationship between a man and a woman since forever and I plan on working on this issue till I die and then some no doubt. I have spent the last 8 years solo, but that does not mean that I have not had plenty of encounters to add to my research materials.

Okay, back to the two on my mind tonight, Helen and Bill. In various ways they obviously have agreed to work out the concept of loyalty and commitment. From the first, linearly anyway, as the priestess who lived in a community that believed that her power come through the red stone that was in her crown. If stolen, the only way her power could be restored was to take the life of the thief, which she refused to do and condemned herself to die. That is a story of human compassion and personal integrity, as well as symbolic of the challenge he presented to her throughout time, from what I can tell. Even in this incarnation they played a similar role as he sought to persuade her into the spirituality realm instead of honoring her and her own cognoscente inner voice. He never quite caught the spirit of the work from what I can tell and seemed a bit put off when Ken Wapnick stepped in to fill that role in bringing forth the work they had. It is almost like he was her perpetual “thorn in the side”, yet she honored him and a commitment that spanned over several lifetimes. Not many of us get to have awareness of the ties that bind us to certain individuals who come into our lives.

What strikes me powerfully in that first incarnation she spoke of is her attitude and thoughts as she is stripped of her priestess robes and set outside the gates of the city to face the desert and her death. She said she was angry with herself for having spared the life of a thief and giving up her own. The real sorrow in this is that she did not receive the gift that she had given herself, which was to give up her life for another, by being angry about it and not recognizing the joy in it and the falsity that this life is. Something tells me that she probably struggled in that same way during this lifetime.

I want to say that Helen says she puts no interpretation to her visions or dreams but was only relaying what she had experienced, so the interpretation that they are other lives that they shared is mine, as are the opinions expressed about them here.

Then there was the one incarnation where she was a female, light skinned slave who bought her freedom by walking away from her husband (causing him difficulties she did not define) and who “trusted her without good reason”. According to Helen’s words she used sexual favors to trade with white man for her freedom. Trust was the issue here again. Isn’t that what is essential in a relationship, the glue that holds two people together? Was it his trust in her temporal relationship with him that was put to the test or was it her trust in herself to see to her own survival? Does one truly supersede the other? At first glance, it seems a matter of betrayal, but I am not so sure.

We are taught in the scriptures that the greatest thing that man can do is lay down his life for another. We are also taught to love the other as ourselves. I have struggled with this concept throughout my Christian walk as a survivor of childhood abuses. Is another person’s survival of greater value than mine? Do it unto others you have done it unto me. I am a child of God. Am I not just as valuable as another life form? Is it an extension of the theme of consuming guilt of the ego in ACIM taken on not only for the separation from God but for the destruction of the other over the self? The concept appears much deeper than I first supposed.

One might ask, “When someone breaks trust does that mean that there is true separation in the family of man”? I suggest that it is not so, even with the evidence laid out to suggest it. We have been taught what God has joined together let not man put asunder. I suggest that it simply could never be even though man has a gazillion ways to make it appear otherwise. I believe that mankind has the ability to create the illusion that separation has occurred with others, just as he created the illusion that he had separated from God. God’s understanding and God’s truth are not man’s.

In this incarnation and others it seems Helen and Bill ran the gambit of what a relationship could tolerate or do to itself. Even in this lifetime she accepted the employment position with the inner witness that she would save him in accepting it, supposedly by helping him put the psychiatric department in order under his direction. Even though not spiritually inclined, she trusted an inner message.

It is interesting to me that in this life she did not give credence to spiritual things even though she was obviously an example of just that in the channeling of Jesus to receive A Course In Miracles. I suspect that has more to do with her inability to accept the world’s or society’s interpretation, specifically the terminology given her academic inclination, of spirituality from either the direction of spiritualists in her day (mainly 1930-1970’s) or Christianity’s. When man seeks to organize a way of life, he puts definitions and interpretations on even the most simple and true principles, and in so doing can distort the divine interpretation.

Bill was the one capable of accepting the spiritual or at least psychic side of the experience, but, from what I know at this time not having yet read Ken’s recording of her history, it was Ken Wapnick that would have the Biblical background to be able to resonate with what Helen felt about A Course In Miracles. I also get the feeling from Bill’s recordings is that he had a deep love for Helen that came a shade close to possessiveness and it was not put to rest before her death. I note this due to the statement that he chose not to see her the last year of her life though they spoke on the phone nearly daily.

From page 41 of Bill’s autobiography: “I wasn’t that fond of Helen, but there was a deep love that continued in spite of everything. It had nothing to do with anything. It seemed to represent our joining in union and cooperation. We tried to do something that transcended our egos. That was the thing that seemed real, the only thing that seemed to really persist. Once having done that there was no breaking away from it. It was a commitment that went on forever. If love is eternal, when you make that kind of commitment, you have made it. It doesn’t have anything to do with the usual things about commitments. It all seemed so confusing at times. Love and hate, patience and disaster, everything was all jumbled up.” I mean come on, if that is not a description of my relationships (and I am talking about marriages) I do not know what is!

I sense that his ego enjoyed the 7 years they spent preparing the work and my womanly intuition feels that he reveled in their discoveries and their intimacy on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level. It was one that she did not share with her husband, as his interest in ACIM did not really happen till after her death. In my walk on earth as pertains to men, I have come to believe that a serious relationship with a man does not need to be physical to have the qualities that I value in what I call an eternal relationship, meaning marriage. It is no wonder this bonding would have occurred, considering the obvious exclusivity they must have had because of the power of the new information in the work they were bringing forth. At the least, they had a terrific sense of united purpose in this work and it took significant stamina and commitment with all the obstacles including their work load and other obligations.

Her childhood also, seemed to prepare her for a more casual relationship with her husband; the way that she was taken care of on personal level by a governess rather than her mother, as well as her father’s austere and non-personal demeanor. This would have made room for the more passionate or emotional intensity to be found in the world of her career.

Does it not stand to reason that the healthy and real relationship (called Holy Instant in ACIM) would need a mental decision to serve the true and higher self come what may and at any cost? I believe these two people had this in so many ways.

They may not have understood the significance of their personal relationship or the power of it as an example of what their life’s work would help us to reach, and yet, I do believe they had an inkling. This relationship may well be one of the more powerful in showing me what the order of mankind is to be before the world. And the journey continues for self discovery, forgiveness, and unity with the children of men who have forgotten they are children of God foremost.

Till next time,

Have courage and remember that love conquers fear every time; we do not have to waste our energies with the former. It is our choice. Thank you Heavenly Father for that truth, in Jesus name, amen.


The Sting of Someone’s Comment…

It seems like, even today, at nearly 60 years old, when I feel good about a task or a choice I have made someone who is a person of trust, a friend or an authority figure, will come up and tell me that I messed up and it nearly cripples me inside. It seems as if the message is basically suggesting I have no business being happy.
It really has been a common theme throughout my life. What I am recognizing is that I can take charge of the energy and charge their words or attitudes have on me. I now know that those attitudes come from them and they show how the person feels about themselves, not about me as it would appear at first.
This is a huge part of the illusion that we live in thinking that we are influenced by what is outside of us and this is a deep topic so do not get unnerved by it….though it is unnerving isn’t it. Rather, they are projecting their own lack of self worth on to me in the form of a criticism and I am only now beginning to figure out how to get out from under the attack without just withdrawing from them. It is important to understand that these kinds of projections come back on those who send them out in a long term sense. I do not believe in a permanent hell, but I do believe that these are the things that will bind us, these criticisms and attacks on others, because we do not realize that it is ourselves that we are attacking.
That is not to say that words and attitudes of others do not hurt, but it does help to understand the nature of existence in the scheme of things so that one does not desire to return the attack and thus continue the abuse upon himself. There are many tools that will allow us to release the emotional trauma that we have been given at others behavior or lack. They can allow us to feel like an integral part of humanity as we forgive others and keep ourselves emotionally in a safe place. Over time the sting of someone’s critical opinion will have little impact but to be a reason to offer them forgiveness and even to allow divine guidance to offer healing in the form of self love.
This will come as we grow in the experience of being true to ourselves and acknowledging when we have been attacked hurt and finding a way to express that this is what happened. Two of the techniques that I am using as I am training my psyche to understand I am not my body are Emotional Freedom Technique, which is also known as tapping, and Energy Medicine as taught by Donna Eden.
I had been exposed to both modalities for many years but it is only the last year or two that I have done tapping on a regular basis and I have just begun the energy medicine work with great results.
I want to mention another experience that I had concerning the body and emotions and how even though we know certain truths to be true we may have body reactions. I experienced this the other day when I typed a sentence about my daughter being dead. Even now my energy shivers and quakes. I know she lives and I know that this is illusion and yet I must have compassion for my body and for others suffering. Knowing this is not real does not relieve us from trauma, nor does it make us less accountable for having compassion towards others. Jesus said to mourn with those who mourn. We are not to jump up and down and claim, “It just isn’t so”. In this sphere we need to exercise compassion and mercy and those things that he taught us about because we are needful of those things ourselves.
Thank you Heavenly Father for giving us this capacity and for our use of it.
In Jesus Name
Till next time,

Where I Am and Some Of What Got Me Here …Part 2

I will continue with where I am in my studies at this time though it will NOT be all-inclusive of the many things that I consider and ponder. Where I live right now is like sitting on the back of a fire breathing dragon and with very little weaponry save a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I know that I have not only the ability but the responsibility to tame the dragon. Caution is required because I do not desire to destroy or seek vengeance but to calm and sing the mighty dragon into an awakening, quite the opposite of the sleep of death one might think would be required.

I do not seek the accolades of man but the meaning of the word of God, wherever I find it. Since I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints (for whom I do not speak) and maybe even before I have been seeking to retrain my brain. So really the wonderful avenues of study that have been given to me the past few years are right in line with that endeavor.

A Course In Miracles is a channeling of Jesus to a non-Christian woman and a man who was likewise. I study this on my own, not with or through others. I have not been familiar with channeling that I recall, other than the case study of Private Dowling during my NDE studies. (Recently I have seen other channelings and I do not support or feel the same way with all that I have witnessed, especially concerning Jesus, even though the numbers are limited.) The first two channelings mentioned do seem sincere to me.

In ACIM there were many things that were already taught to me by the Holy Ghost/Spirit in my personal circumstances, so when I came upon Jamie Butler’s channeling of Jesus on You Tube I was intrigued. I have said before that I watched that video repeatedly and I still reflect on it.

Not unlike my experience with ACIM I felt the prompting to look into the other works she did. Cautiously at first, with prayer and listening, I found myself engaged in the blog of Dr Medhus and the 5 years of archives. I have read them and followed the links at the end of the blogs that are recorded. My heart and mind have been stretched and exposed to different ideas and perspectives. I feel as if I have been in the hearts and minds of others (many quite well known). I feel as if my sense of the world has expanded to include multitudes of galaxies and dimensions as well.

I hope to record my reflections on the Channeling Erik blog through the lens of the gospel as I do my NDE study. I plan on putting my NDE studies into book form once I get my personal story out there.

I feel that it needs to be said that I do not desire psychic ability, of which channeling is a part, although I do believe that we all have and are capable of psychic ability. The empathability and cognitive awareness that I have of humanity leaves me a bit shy in the world, not so much because of what they can do to me but because of what I understand about them and my awareness that I am such a threat to those who wish to hold on to the delusion of this world. I also feel that the telling of my story must happen before those gifts are opened up to me. I have had limited expression of them in the past but, again, I really feel my story must be expressed soon and first. Before it is lost because as I grow it does not affect me as much and it is losing its ability to influence my day to day actions. I do want it recorded how I got to this place. Not that others need to follow in my footsteps but to testify that it is possible. I believe this is a responsibility we all have; to record our journey of awareness and awakening.

I do want to give extreme caution to those who would consider viewing Dr Medhus, Channeling Erik blog. You will find course language and vulgarity, mainly from Dr Medhus and from her son, though I believe what comes from her son, especially of late, is to make her feel comfortable that it is him and at times I sense his frustration on it needing to be that way. My opinions may not be correct, but I feel I would be negligent in not stating them since her work is so much a part of me now. You will also find all manner of attitudes about death and about life on her blog.

Many people who comment on the blog have spiritual and emotional issues….truly, who of us doesn’t….most have lost loved ones, some very recently, myself included, and I have seen it stated that they felt brought to the blog by their passed loved one as I did…however the General Authorities of the church say that we are to stay away from those who use bad language and what not. So I am not going to encourage it as a member of the church.

I just know that for me and my kin and what I need work on in this life this was and is a significant reading and education for me. I mean if I can go to a Brigham Young University class on anything and be instructed to read a testimonial of a man in a prison being raped, I think I can have the right to read this blog and learn what the Holy Ghost would have me learn. (Yes, that did actually happen around 2009 or 10. I am not trying to be crass but don’t tell me Mormon means Pollyanna.)

I also am nervous because my verbiage can be very raw sometimes. Right now I am actually nearing the feeling of embarrassment for studying her work. Recently her lack of discretion, human decency, and courtesy has been very evident. I understand that she is a mother in mourning but that does not give her the right to invade in peoples space, whether they are living or dead. Her desire to bring her son to nearly the position of savior of the world is, well, embarrassing also, while she shuns the divinity and calling of Jesus. I can have empathy and understanding but that does not mean that it is right.

She is the one who seems to like the raw with no compassion, the dirty, the course, even asking a serial killer who cannibalized his victims what part of the body he best liked eating. Jamie was obviously distressed and expressed that and Dr Medhus just plowed right over her. You might ask why I not take this directly to her. For one thing I do not believe she would hear. And the other is that she has made her work public and I do not wish to interfere with what she feels she needs to do. It occurs to me that she may just be trying too hard to make it work and to be non-judgmental, which on its own is very commendable.

There are immense things on a psychological/spiritual level to be discovered in her work. I have been able to gain a lot of insight. Non-judgment, is key here, of course. So why am I even commenting on my uncomfortable feelings? Because I still live in the world and at least partial judgment is required in this sphere. I am not judging her as an individual other than to say I believe that she is confused and misguided if she thinks that making light of the dark side of things will bring others into the light. I do believe that is a lot of what Erik thought, in the beginning anyway. I can tell by his words though, that he is being taught by the true source of light and will guide us without the brashness if she will allow him. I am thinking of his use of the old English word “hence” that was noted in her first book, My Son And The Afterlife, for example where he says he is doing away with the foul language. She is working on a second with him about his life after his passing; maybe I will be proved wrong.

What I am seeing now however reminds me a bit of the paparazzi in chasing down the celebrities that will put her and her son in the limelight and give him credibility by one-upping the competition. This feeling primarily comes from the recent interview with the young woman who was killed by an extremist group. She had only passed a few days before and was tending to her own transition and enduring what she was seeing her family go through. Was there peace offered in this to anyone? Do you really think her family was searching for that kind of confirmation? I suspect they are in a form of shocked relief terror that will take some time to work through. It makes me sad for Dr Medhus. Perhaps Dr Medhus was seeking to give comfort but there is a part of me that says this is not so.

I have studied her work, as I do all studies anymore, looking for what the Holy Ghost would have me understand about myself and my relationship to God and other people and this world at large. She has shared that she comes from an abusive background as do I, and in that, I understand the lack of healthy boundaries. As I write this, I reflect on my own issues in this area.

I say these things here as a warning or precaution about the work and so many things that the world, especially the internet, offers today. Please listen to that still small voice and when the caution signal comes up heed it and proceed with caution and when the signal says “run” or “drop it” do not be afraid to do so.

That having been said, I believe that anyone would find much food for thought here. The obvious question to me is “do I believe that she is actually communicating with her son”. I have to say that I do. Do I believe everything she talks about, no, but I am open to many possibilities. I can say that I have found greater understanding by reading her blog and I am very grateful for that. The bantering between the three has taught me a lot about our relationship with the other side and about our relationships here. I will speak more on this another time. I definitely proceed with caution and the red flags are up and I may just drop and run away with what I have and leave it alone because dark things cloud our minds and weaken our common sense and mourning is one of those kinds of things. In the meantime I will also offer prayers on her behalf.

I am thinking of my interactions on her Facebook support pages. I have limited the content that I see on one of them so that I do not feel impressed to comment as often. I do not feel the concepts of Jesus are not welcome there by Dr Medhus, the lady who manages the pages, or Jamie. Erik would welcome the conversation I think, if it was approached in proper context. My confidence in God is great and I tend to have the impact of water or fire on people. I either inspire them to grow or cause them to go deeper into the shadows. I try to temper my ways and even back way up when I sense that they choose the shadows. My goal is to lift others, not to create a greater burden on them. I take it one day at a time.

I have decided to ask for an interview with my bishop to let him know what I am speaking about on this blog. I currently carry a temple recommend and I want to have that in good faith. The things I will be writing about in the future may well be controversial, especially with regards to the teachings of the church and the counsel to stay in safe places. I believe the challenge is that there are no real safe places on the earth and someone with the heart of Christ needs to journey among our brethren and find the threads that remind us of our kinship, because just as we cannot be saved without our dead (meaning our ancestors), I also, personally believe that we cannot be saved without our brothers and sisters with who we live in this current (and all) generation(s). I will accept removal from the church rolls if I must, before I will stop my work and witness though, I would continue to keep my covenants, for those with God and not with man.

I also will not in any way tell the General Authorities, including the Prophet, how to manage the affairs of the church. That is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to keep my covenants and bring all truth into the church according to the timing of the Lord by seeking it wherever it may be. Sadly, yet I suppose at this point in time understandably, we are not allowed to speak of these things at church. I did hear a wonderful talk by a young man on angels recently, though, and our church is based on miraculous manifestations. I know and trust the bishop will be led as the Lord would have him proceed at this time. And I will accept it gracefully.

I have a witness of the Holy Ghost/Spirit and I know, as I know God lives and loves us, that I must continue the work and leave it in Gods hands whatever the outcome may be.

Till next time, God Bless, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.     ~Namaste~


Where I Am and Some Of What Got Me Here …Part 1

She said, “It’s only a movie, it is not real.” I had always been queasy when it came to movies. Reality and fiction where difficult for me to discern from my early youth. What my step mother did not know or at least express to me was that life is more unreal than it is real as well. At least in the way that we see it now. It does not always need to be this way. And I dare to say it will not always be this way. The word of God testifies of this.

God has the power to transmute the illusion that the united consciousness of man has formed into truth and wholeness, restored to the beauty the Creator intended through His messenger, the Holy Ghost/Spirit. This having been said, the spiritual and psychological journey that we may undertake in this sphere is phenomenal. The freedom that I speak of is to be found in that pursuit. The true freedom of mankind is not in his circumstance but in the recesses of his heart and mind as he awakens to his connection with the divine.

New Year’s 2014 I took on a different attitude. I embraced NOW, N=not the illusion, O=all encompassing, and W=the upside down M representing to me the millennium being brought on our/my bringing heaven to earth. It created for me a foundation that would help me endure another very challenging year.

I remember another year that was similar in many ways, that started with a prompting to do a thankful journal. That year saw a rift between a daughter and I that would prove to be unremovable for some 20 years and counting. Such was the price I would pay to allow her agency and freedom. Following the prompting, kept me in touch with my truth, that all things have a positive purpose before God and that He will lift us up to Him as we acknowledge Him through gratitude for all we experience.

My focus on the millennium reminded me that people of all faiths who were righteous would be allowed to rebuild the world, to restore it to its paradisaical  glory (such as before the fall of man from paradise-today I can visualize even beyond that state). To embrace this factor it would be necessary to open my heart and my mind to interact with people’s of differing beliefs in a positive way.

You might say that I had actually begun this in earnest in 2013 when I had what seemed to be an insatiable appetite for NDE study. There are many such accounts on You Tube but I had found a site that had over 3000 accounts already streamlined and answering specific questions that intrigued me. I collected over 1000 pages of info (and I only read 600 accounts) that I look forward to reviewing because I believe they pertain to important spiritual things and they do not come from strictly the LDS, or Mormon, perspective which is the faith structure that I had been living by for 30 years.

Hay House did a web summit, in early 2014 I believe, that I viewed and in it Dr Dyer spoke of things that Jesus taught, which I recognized from my personal scripture study. He would reference a book that he had studied and I felt the prompting to look into it. It was A Course In Miracles. Finding that book and studying it saved my psychological health in my opinion because it witnessed of truths that the Holy Spirit had taught me over the years and magnified them. It literally gave me a platform to hold on to my sanity, that along with my foundation in the word of God and the gospel of Jesus Christ, especially when I was informed by the Holy Ghost/Spirit that my eldest daughter would die and I would have no power to stop it. (Again, the cost of allowing agency and freedom. They are true and correct principles that not even God, Himself will trespass. Sadly, she did pass this past June. I cannot express the disbelief and horror that floods me as I type that.)

I am currently on my second read of ACIM. I am doing the workbook and have just passed the 100 day mark. Even having read it through prior, I am astounded at the depth of its instruction this second time. I am so grateful for my exposure and witness of the standard works of Christianity before coming to this book. The opinions in the world could easily confuse, delude, and distract an individual, if not cause outright insanity in the reading as it literally shows how insane we truly are as a people, particularly at this point in our evolution.

There is a richness and fullness here in ACIM that I cannot ignore. I hunger and thirst after it. I listen along the way to the whisperings of the Holy Ghost/Spirit and watch for that which would trick or sidetrack me. These are things that I know the ego or, as I used to say, the adversary would have us get stuck in. Everything is so real and yet it is all illusion and truly only my delusional mind or thoughts in so many ways. Let’s just say I proceed with caution and faith that I will be guided by the Holy Ghost/Spirit, the Lord, and Heavenly Father in all things.

During this time, I have continued my studies in the standard works of Christianity and Mormonism. My church attendance is getting more challenging because of distance and funds and the inability to express what I am learning in the gospel. This has always been the case at church; it is just that now, I really do have the confidence to know that I know what I am talking about and that it is important for us to look at these things as a human race. The church environment just does not allow us to talk to each other at this point unless we are quoting General Authorities, but what is that in preserving or preparing a people who know and love the Lord? Where is freedom and individuality if we only mimic and quote others? Even in mimicking or following Jesus we are to do so in spirit not in actuality and walk to the well looking for the Samaritan woman.

I know I am where I am supposed to be though; when I considered moving here to be moral support for family I knew I may need to forfeit church attendance. It just so happened that the lessons at church taught me that if I could go through that difficulty with them, I could endure what I needed to help my family, which is my main stewardship.

He has given me a year to acclimate to my surroundings while being able to get to church and I do have a couple of callings which I honor from a distance. I try my best to get there for sacrament, but it seems health care has taken a priory on getting gas to be able to get to church. Oh well, He knows I would if I could. In truth, I have hardly missed any entirely as yet, but it is a struggle.

My daily studies are intense and regular and include at least the Book of Mormon, if not all of the standard works along with ACIM, the Ensign, and journaling. My circumstances do not allow regular temple attendance though I long for it. On my to-do list is a better involvement in my personal history and genealogy work. Currently I feel pressed to do this psychological work that supports my sanity and keeps me out of the dark tunnels of suicide and overwhelming grief and that takes priority.

My work involves EFT, which for me has taken a form of prayer, my studies, and the writing which bears witness of the spiritual/psychological journey that I am taking. I must confess that many days I fight to maintain the basics of living and getting to work and home and am grateful when it is accomplished. My hope and faith is in the gospel of Jesus Christ and in his direction and guidance; that allows me hope and light as I continue the journey.

I long for personal communication with living beings but that is very shallow and difficult except with an occasional one or two. To alter someone’s perception is a serious matter and to do so before they are ready may cause a lot of harm and so I wait and study and pray and write and I say the Lord’s prayer and leave my brothers and sisters in the hands of the Lord.

I am in good company though because I am in the presence of the Lord and those who have passed who have known Him. They encourage me and strengthen me and remind me of who I am and what I was called to do. What we were ALL called to do…

In part two I will be exposing some new things I have been studying and the challenges that I have met. The die is cast, I know the road I need to travel, at least for the foreseeable future. May God grant me the ability to share what He would have me share and the courage to not shun the task. Remember, “it’s only a movie”. 😉

Till then, God Bless, In Jesus Name







Sometimes You Need A Break or Even To Backtrack

I have been immersed in discovery for the past several months. From before my daughter’s death when I found A Course In Miracles and beyond as I read all of the archives of Channeling Erik. During this time I continued my study of the standard works and my personal devotions. When we live by discernment and guidance of the Holy Ghost it is important that we remember that there are those who profess to be what they are not. Some do so knowingly and others innocently or so they think. It is very important to me that what I am studying is God’s truth and what he would have me understand at this time. I need the witness that I am doing that which is pleasing to the Lord. That is my goal and my desire, my hope and my trust. If I listen I can tell when things are veering off too far from where they need to be.

I knew from the beginning that Channeling Erik had things to teach me but that its fullness was not something that I wanted to embrace at all. Course language comes from fighting against the pricks…to use an ancient metaphor…the pricks being those pieces of lumber placed in proximity of the oxen’s feet to keep them working in unison. To brush against it would be painful, thus the analogy that we do not have to have pain. Being Erik is swearing and his mother reinforces that part of him which I think is sad. In spite of the language I felt compelled to read what she had on her blog and I did and I hope to do a commentary on it because I believe it is very important.

Right now I want to focus on where we may be led and how important it is to have the Holy Ghost with you and to listen with your heart and ear tuned to the word of God. There is the concept that we have been taught to learn of all cultures and we are to bring it all into the church of our Lord, are we not? What is good anyway? I believe in these principles and I believe that we will be taught things that we need to testify of in the name of our Lord according to our fore ordination. There are, also, scriptures that tell us that blessed are those who wait on the Lord. I am taking this to mean to serve him as well as to wait on His timing. I believe that this counsel applies here and that we need to be careful what we are checking out His will and that we go with full armor on:

  • the helmet of salvation
  • the breastplate of righteousness
  • loins girt about with truth,
  • sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God
  • feet shod with preparation of the gospel of peace
  • praying always (See Ephesians 6:11-18)

There is much to be aware of in all of God’s creations and after death, I do believe that much of it may be accessible simply for the asking, but what we need now is to be sure it fits the criteria of what our mission on earth is all about. Our mission does not encompass all of creation. It is very specific to our time, place, and circumstance both individually and collectively where we find ourselves. In our day of internet information the temptation to go beyond the mark is very pronounced. To stretch is wise, it brings growth, but to overstretch can bring injury to our physical being and at the minimum distraction from what we were sent here to do.

One needs to ask oneself, who do they (meaning self and those whose opinions and information I am studying) follow…self or God? Remember that personally, to follow God is to wait on the witness of the Holy Ghost and be directed by it at all times; to heed rapidly His counsel when we recognize it. It means to desire that guidance.

To be near my adult children and the grand children I am living near many who do not follow the teachings of the church that I so love and it is not easy. It has been helpful for me to discover at a greater depth what the meaning of forgiveness is and I am grateful for that. I stayed at a distance with my family as they chose to follow the ways of the world for quite some time to allow them their agency, but their children look to me for answers and respite and I will be there where I am allowed to be. I cannot support taking on bad habits to get them to accept me. Instead I look for ways that they will allow me to serve them. In our experiences and our studies in the world, these types of decisions will come upon us, each and everyone of us.

Here is where we make the decision to serve God or to serve mammon, or the world, or each other, or ourselves. This is a choice we make regularly. And grateful I am that each moment brings the opportunity to renew that decision because here is where the muscles of our spiritual character is formed and created by none other than ourselves. I believe that we are literally creating the life we will yet have. The life that lies beyond any karma, where we will receive our perfected bodies and our eternal opportunities.

I have chosen to not see the blog entries of Channeling Erik for a time to get me unhooked from the stories and personal journeys of others that pull me away from my purpose. I have also chosen to listen to that which lifts me and enlightens me in the counsel of the Brethren whom the Lord has placed over his church. I truly believe it is the Lord’s church and I seek to honor the council of Jesus Christ to the best of my ability. I wish with all my heart to follow the plan that the Lord and I established for my life here on earth. I do not wish to reach beyond. I find comfort and safety in knowing that the Lord is looking out for me and that there are laws and boundaries placed on those who seek to go beyond the mark and I wish to live close to his guidance.

That having been said freedom still demands that I do need to address the life I have been given and come to terms with it within the witness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I will be sharing an update of what I am studying at the moment and why.

Till then, God Bless, In Jesus Name, Namaste


Please note that this blog is not a “follow me” kind of blog, rather it is the recording of one woman’s journey and a witness that hopefully gives others courage to be true to their inner voice and seek for higher ground and understanding in this world that wants us to believe that we are bodies alone or spirits alone when the gospel of Jesus Christ clearly states that we are immortal beings by the grace of Christ and that we will have a resurrected body united with an eternal spirit in God’s own due time. This is the gospel that I understand and that I seek to live in accordance to. (Though a member of The Church of Jesus Christ I am not speaking on behalf of the church or how they teach. I speak on of my own testimony and life experiences and sustain the leaders of the church as authorities for the Lord’s church. – See lds.org for information on the church -)

To hear of my spiritual journey please visit my audio broadcast at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/search?q=christa-ann+Faith+Godsdaughter

Or check out my books at


(c) Christa-Ann Faith Godsdaughter AKA Debra Yvonne Simmons



The Evolution of Christa-Ann…The Story Begins…and What Influences Me Today…

I write my personal story, not to become it, but to find out who I am by revealing my perception on the experiences I have gone through and witnessed. I read a statement recently stating that the earth is a great classroom for mankind and in that one side has to understand the other in duality, right and wrong, and so on. It went on to say “If a portrait has no contrast -I mean zero- its just going to look all monochrome… You are not going to know who…is in the picture.” Is it not important when seeking freedom that we know who that freedom is for?

That really describes why I write, besides wanting to leave some clues for those around me and that come after me as to what this life is all about. I want to find out who I am. Like etching a form into a plate of glass I tap out ever so carefully who I believe that I am. One wrong tap, too heavy or at the wrong angle and the whole thing explodes and cracks and I am left to begin again, in this life or for those who believe, in perhaps another life on this earth.

The fourth volume of Portrait of a Harlot/Saint, The Evolution of Christa-Ann, will be sent to Amazon.com soon and it will shortly begin a journey in the public domain to take on a life of its own, even if that is only to add to the human consciousness my witness and no ever reads it, it will have fulfilled its purpose. I put no expectations on it. I only know that this is what the Lord would have me do, so I do it.

I find that I need to start out slow, primarily because of the challenges that life gives me as I live in a conscious state and the growth that occurs in the process. I suspect I will be adding to the book as I go along and create multiple editions of the book. One of the great advantages of the era we live in is the ability to write our truth as we understand it and put it out into the world. It is a wonderful therapy and growth enhancer to write of one’s heart and soul. The book will encompass my growth over nearly a decade that took me from the world into heaven on earth.

This volume begins with a very brief recording of how I took on the name of Christa-Ann Faith Godsdaughter in the summer of 2006. I have a strong sense that this is something that I need to do, for myself and for the world at large. I am not saying I will ever be known. I am only saying that I know that what I do and think affects the consciousness of mankind, so what I do put out there. I do not take this opportunity lightly.  I do not consider myself unique in this either. I believe it is something that we all are all capable of giving to the world and that we would be greatly blessed if more would do it. Great authors have shared under the guise of fiction because they think this does not harm others, but I believe that we are giving in to the false reality that this is life when we approach our writing that way. This is not life, this is only the place where we learn what life can be and as we share our unique perspective we open the door and turn on the light so that others may see and come out of the darkness as well.

Throughout my experiences, I feel as if I have died a thousand deaths and soured to incredible heights, so much so that I can confidently state that I feel as if I have died and gone to heaven. On this journey there has been one faithful at my side and that is the Lord, Jesus Christ. He taught me of my Father in Heaven and of His love for me. He sent the Holy Ghost to guide and direct me along the way. We are a team, these three and I. Humanity fails us on this sphere and I suspect even beyond the veil we have our limits, but in these four, and yes, I include myself, I can build on a sure foundation that I believe will last all tests and all challenges. This is how I choose to proceed with my life and beyond.

I am a composite of my understanding of other philosophies, experiences, and even groups of people; immigrants, illegal aliens, wealthy, middle class, the poor. I have been privileged to live among great diversity. Within my personal belief system is Christianity, Latter-day revelation as taught by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, various eastern religions and philosophies, Native American to some degree, A Course In Miracles (ACIM), near death experiences (NDE), quantum physics and, of late, the work and writings of Elisa Medhus, MD, the creator of ChannelingErik.com and author of My Son and The Afterlife, Conversations From The Other Side. Elisa, Jamie, and Erik’s work has introduced me to a whole new section of society on an intimate level. It is from her book that the quote about earth being a classroom and how we need the contrast to define ourselves and understand who we are as individuals like the etching on a glass plate.

Please note that Elisa and Jamie do not profess to be Christians, nor did Erik before his passing. His teaching and even his vocabulary bear witness that he is being taught by those who know the word of God and its meaning by the power of the Holy Ghost. This is my witness anyway. I have done an extensive study of their work and once The Evolution of Christa-Ann is up and two other tales that will wrap up my personal learning in this worldly sphere I look forward to writing about what I learned there through the lens of the gospel (Biblical, LDS, and ACIM) as I studied Dr Medhus’ work and over 600 accounts of NDE.  Erik’s niche is with teenager’s who feel they do not belong and seek suicide as an answer (this is the way Erik took his life at age 20). The language is course as is so often the case when we feel trapped and frustrated at our lack of personal empowerment to manifest what we believe is our will in our lives.

Cautiously, yet determinedly I was drawn into the archives of her blog at ChannelingErik.com. And I have recently completed reading her 5 years of blogs and interviews. I have to admit that I was taken aback by Erik’s language and demeanor at times but something drew me. Part of it was the death of my daughter and her interest in the paranormal and the language, well, it is what I grew up with, what most of my children live, and what I had worked for years to rid myself of. Since I did not feel drawn to its use, but I did feel drawn to the message, or perhaps the cry would be a better way to say it, I proceeded.

Her interview with Jesus Christ, which can be found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi130bfr7oY is what first captivated me. My interest in NDE and ACIM made me receptive to listening to that first interview (over and over, and I still ponder it today). (I also personally believe that my daughter who passed may have had a hand in helping me find this resource. Maybe it was just my way of trying to dodge the pain of her death.) In my opinion it is one of the greatest recordings on Christian missionary work I have ever seen because he comes to a non-believing, even hostile (to the teachings of Jesus anyway) environment and bears witness of who he is and is not. (I would also note that it is the only interview that she ever did where someone who taught or professed a completely different outlook on life chose to be a part of the interview, that is from all the ones that I viewed and read about which may or may not be the total.)

Some of Jesus comments are shocking and cause one to think about who they thought he was, but having had a relationship with the Savior throughout my life and knowing the witness of the Holy Ghost I could feel him coming through. And yes, it has changed me, as a Christian, forever. Because I am grounded in the word of God, I was able to catch many nuances of his comments and his reactions to the behaviors and statements of those that were at the interview that I do not believe were picked up by those present. I give strong caution and warning to anyone with a weak testimony or not motivated by the Holy Ghost about watching it because it may challenge your witness of Jesus as the Christ. It is not for the weak or shallow in faith.

May I state emphatically, my faith, that looking to Jesus Christ and his teachings and those who teach his principles, whether in his name or another is how we will be able to come to know who we truly are and what our role is at this time in the evolution of mankind. That which divides mankind be it from the “right or the left”, the “wrong or the right” is not of God in my opinion. We all have our part as His Children and bringing the light of God’s love into a darkened world, even those we may feel live in the darkest of those places.

I have felt driven and led to seek out and discover my relationship with the deity wherever it may lead me. I look forward to playing my part in the evolution of man by walking my walk and telling my story.

Till next time,

God Bless and By For Now…


Portrait of a Harlot/Saint Volume 4 The Evolution of Christa-Ann

Check out Volume 1 Reflections at 50, Volume 2 Becoming a Little Child (how I keep my testimony in the church, with imperfect situations), Volume 3 Story of My Life. I also have three volumes in my Gramma Series.


Some Things Just Have To Be Said…

I put this on my fan page https://www.facebook.com/ChristaAnnFaithGodsdaughter (please hit LIKE if you value my work) and on my regular Facebook page. I will not stop bearing my testimony nor will I give up my life or my voice…God sent me here and I will not forsake Him. I am not quite ready to say why I write like this at this time. I only know that I must.

I love the Lord with my whole heart and I do not care what anyone else thinks about that! I will not control others and I will not allow others to control me even if it costs me half my family, which it has. Let the world think what they will about me. I know who I trust and where my strength comes from. May the innocents (and that includes those who are promoting the way of lies and hate) be carried by the Lord into whatever they need to understand the lessons they came here for and may they be able to carry out their missions. For me, I forgive…I forgive it all because they just have no idea what they are doing…even as they know they seek to harm……
I have thought about removing myself from Facebook and so on but I too have a mission and a witness and I will do what I can to bring the light and witness of Jesus Christ and his gospel to the earth.
As I see trouble in the world, in the church, in the US, and in my family it builds my testimony of the gospel because I have studied his word diligently for over 40 years. The witness is there for those who seek it with an honest and willing heart. And I have the sweetest companion in the world in the Holy Ghost that I would trade for no one.
The peace and joy I have in my heart in spite of the sorrows that I know that those in the world face is nearly incomprehensible. May we awaken to the truth and get rid of the hate and comparison and envy. He so wants to bless us. Of this I testify in Jesus name, amen.

I am Writing Again…

It has been a tough go this year with the death of my daughter and the new things that I am learning. I somehow sense that this is something that I must do to heal and continue in my evolution so I will write and seek to continue to understand what appears in my frame of awareness. I did get the series on makeup revised and put into book form. It can be found at Amazon.com under the book section and Christa-Ann Faith Godsdaughter as the author. I gave it the title of Story of My Life. It is the 3rd Volume of Portrait of a Harlot/Saint. My books are currently available only on Kindle.

I am currently in process of putting up the 4th Volume entitled Evolution of Christa-Ann which I will need to do in multiple editions to be able to bring it out. I have been living and writing this story since 2006. It is challenging for me to go back and in a sense relive some of it. And yet there is healing in that. (See this wonderful article I found on the benefits of writing your history http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/author/tara-parker-pope/)

I even had a dream about it this morning. The details are not important but from the dream I got the impression that the writing has bearing across the generations and serves a purpose if only to allow all people’s to have the witness that it is not the circumstances that fill our lives that give it meaning but how we evolve in and with those circumstances, those presumably favorable as well as those that we would rather forgo.

Do we allow them to trap or bury us or do we allow them to enlighten and build us? It may often appear that we have little choice in the matter but this is something that I do not believe is validated. How we perceive our experience, even if we call it real or not is based on our decisions.

I suspect circumstances are there to test our faith in believing that which is real that may not be perceived in the moment. What else gives us the courage to go on? What else allows us to go through the challenges that we face on a daily basis? I pray that as I reveal some of my circumstances and my journey that they will be used by the universe to lift the consciousness of mankind and not to weigh it down.

As I write I am transfigured…Google search gives me:

Synonyms: transform, transmute, change, alter, and metamorphose;
informal transmogrify “the glow of the sunrise transfigured the whole landscape”
Transform into something more beautiful or elevated.
“The world is made luminous and is transfigured”

I felt nervous putting that word out there so I had to look it up. And I will say it again, as I write I am transfigured and made into something the same yet even more refined. I look forward to the journey.

God Bless Us One and All

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.



Musings to Prime the Pump…

It is in forgiveness that the flood gates of love are released and here is where happiness is found.

Let go of all attachments and all illusions and fall into the comfort and joy of forgiveness.

Heavenly Father hold me in thy hands as you allow me to remember.

Let me not be overcome by the fear of nothingness.

Jesus shows us that he overcame the body and the illusions it creates, it cannot hold us in bondage any longer. There is no need to pay a debt for an illusion. We are the masters of our destiny.

The psyche ego must be overcome as well. We each have a responsibility in that yet it will only take one willing to be vulnerable enough to allow God full reign in their being with their eyes wide open to bring about the Shift the whole of mankind is waiting for. I believe we each have the potential to help with this process whether we understand it or not.

It has been an educational and emotionally moving few months. As I put out my testimony so as to allow for greater understanding I know the items that I need to put out there. My ego and even my common sense says read things through, polish them up, give them the best you have, and the Spirit says just put it out there, this is not about perfection this is about showing the process of growth and renewal…those who need it will understand it those who could care less will turn away from it…it matters not what others do but that you do according to the dictates of your own heart and conscience with righteous intent and let others be responsible for themselves….besides I have so much to show you and time is not something that lasts forever…

With that I will proceed. I have a 4 part You Tube that I will put out on my Christa-Ann Godsdaughter channel that I did in November of 2014. I will be putting up my 4 part series on Makeup as a reflection of my life story. I also have The Evolution of Christa-Ann which is a book I wrote as my spiritual life took off in releasing me from the cocoon and illusion of this life. And I want to divide my first book Portrait of a Harlot/Saint into 7 segments so it is easier to digest for the reader. Again, I would love to edit and polish it but the Holy Ghost says no, just get it out there and so I will do it. Lord, give me courage to overcome my doubts and fears and trust in your guidance…in Jesus name, amen.



Makeup or No Makeup That Is the Question… ;) Part 4 Conclusion 21 November 2014

God will give us what we want. Have you ever thought about what you really want? What is behind what you believe that you want? What will it give you once you have it? Sadly sometimes (ACIM says this is always what the ego wants, not sometimes) what we want is to be stripped down and beaten as if we have done something so awful that only humiliating and debilitating punishment would suffice. I have read a few times of those who live on the edge of sanity and how others are drawn to them and reveal their desire to be punished greatly. It is heartbreaking to realize that we all live in that state on what might be called a subconscious level.

I am beginning to get an understanding for why this may be so. A Course In Miracles says it the most distinctly as it speaks of the guilt that we feel with the misguided idea that we have somehow separated ourselves from God. This is the source of our guilt on a deep unconscious level. It really makes sense to me and is the only logical explanation for what I have witnessed in life.

So we come into the world and we live a life that we feel is of our own making and leave out a very important factor. We do not acknowledge what we truly are.  What we overlook is that we are all here by God’s design and for His purposes. In the standard works He commands that we are to have no other gods before Him. Yet, is our life not a flurry of just that as we perceive that the body or our family or our community, or anything else conceivable, needs to take first place or take up the majority of our cognitive awareness?

The ego tempts us with this question…Why give recognition to something we cannot see (God) when there are so many pressing issues placed on us through our senses? We are not able to see as stated in Mark 4:19 “And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.” By their fruits ye shall know them.

I felt as though I had lived several lifetimes by the time I was 49. I had repeatedly attempted to fill the roles that I felt were expected of me, even though I had the handicap of being “soiled” merchandise because of being molested and on many levels abandoned as a child. I chose to love and forgive instead of being bitter. I held to an idea that somebody, outside myself, must know things better than me and I kept searching for that key that would open the door to my understanding so that I could be a fully functioning part of the world that I seemed to be a part of, yet I had so much trouble sharing the love that I had to give. I suspect that if I had allowed bitterness to enter in I would have considered only myself to have knowledge and consider all others stupid. Either avenue of thought is false in my opinion and does not reflect truth, rather the false images of the ego that keep us entrapped with either having to build up our false images of ourselves or continually seeking outside ourselves for that which cannot be found accept within.

It seemed like a lot of things fell apart as I reached the half century mark of my life.

  • My very wobbly marriage crashed overnight.
  • This caused a severe blow to other fragile family relationships most revealing there was no real substance there anyway.
  • My step mother died severing a fragile co-existence with her other children and her family members, including the only sibling of 12 that I knew their whereabouts.
  • With the divorce came loss of income and thus loss of lifestyle. I was allowed a time to be in very pleasant surroundings and had to teach myself that it was okay to take care of just me.

As my children had separated themselves from me I felt unneeded by others and emotionally I was drained. My metaphor was that of a pancake. I had no substance left to draw on for my own survival and without having someone outside of me, have need of me, I felt very much at a loss.

This is where the creation of Christa-Ann Faith Godsdaughter came into being. I will share that story in a book I am preparing.

To follow along with the theme of this series on make-up suffice it to say that I was in need of creating an anchor or life preserver to give me something to hang on to with hope and that would entice me and encourage me to continue on. I kept the light and hope of the gospel of Jesus Christ as my guide, even as my humanity, ego, and weaknesses took me through the trenches of life.

Again I will not give you details but I will give a list reflective of what I believe that in the core of my subconscious I was thinking that brought me challenges and enlightenment:

  • I believed that it was my responsibility to survive and not to leave my sanity or survival in the hands of others.
  • I believed that to best serve those I love I may need to be out of reach logistically or move to an area that would teach me, even if it would separate me physically from my family.
  • I believed God would allow me to understand how to cope in the world with the name I had taken and chosen to live by.
  • I believed that a “good” man in my life would make all the difference even as I grew in autonomy or self awareness and skills.
  • I believed that the Holy Ghost could and would direct me through life to understand Him and my place in His kingdom.
  • I believed I had a witness and testimony that was worth hearing and that He had not given me life to have it wasted and washed away without a meaning beyond a chemical composite within the web of His creation.
  • I believed that if I placed myself in His hands he would use me as a healing influence in my family.
  • I believed that higher education would enlighten me.
  • I believed those with gifts of economic, spiritual, and educational abundance would lead me to a greater understanding of who I am and what that means before God.

Each of these proved to be useful and true with the last teaching me things that I hardly expected them to do. They taught me how false this world is, even in its best form, or what I perceived was its best form.

So I wear the makeup and color my hair not to create a false reality but to declare that this is not life, there is something greater that we are and that it is exciting, fun, sensual, and delightful to experience. 🙂

It is a pity that pain is the tool that teaches us this but it is so and even the pain becomes a welcome friend and guide. And that is another story.

God bless, love to all,



Time Out of Our Series For A Testimony of Where I Am Today 28 October 2014

A video I found had a statement in it that is supposedly from Jesus Christ which I value. It states

“… those who live on Earth who are causing the disruption wholeheartedly believe there is a right and a wrong, so you must teach them first what is right and wrong before you can teach them of the concepts that there is no right or wrong.”

I believe it is only by this means that we are able to tame the ego and rein him in and calm him down enough to understand that nothing could ever take him out of the presence of God’s love. The ego has such a powerful hold on the psyche of man at this time though that these rules of conduct and socialization are necessary for the children of God to understand who they are and who God is.

The incredible confusion that I have lived in for so many years has been cleared up in the realization that this reality has to be a dream because a loving God would never burden His children the way they are here on earth. I just know there has to be something that He is trying to teach us and I believe that it is that no other thing exists except Him, no matter how we try to claim otherwise. It does not matter that the body senses seem to claim otherwise because the body does not have any true capacity. It is neutral and we define what we think we see or experience by our global or unified consciousness, which is obviously so capable of error. I want to do my part in changing that consciousness and witnessing of the truth in my own simple way. I am only now coming to understand that it must happen within me first…. and yet, the bearing of one’s witness is so instrumental in allowing God and the Holy Ghost to teach you, so I am very grateful for this outlet in this blog. It is a powerful walk that I walk, one step at a time.

On another subject, I believe the Word of God may be more correctly stated the Words of Jesus who is god by virtue of His relationship with the Father and head of our united consciousness by virtue of His being the First Born in the spirit world of God. God is not capable of abiding sin, and sin, as defined in the Bible and other standard works, has been among the children of men since the pre-existence. I believe that it is Jesus that has guided the path of the prophets since the time of Adam and prior to that in the pre-existence.

(I believe there are deeper levels that I could take this concept to but I will leave it here for the moment so as not to overwhelm and confuse my readers and because I am not comfortable enough in the concept(s) to be able to relay it in simple terms. And so it is for all my writing, I am only trying to share what I understand at this time to bring light and hope to the world and to increase my own witness of truths as I learn line upon line, precept upon precept. Remember I speak for no denomination but only as myself, a seeker of truth. –who is capable of being misled, so please use prayer and discretion and take responsibility for yourself as you read my words. Many thanks!)

Moses was a law giver. He also led the people because they wanted to be led. He did not and could not force his will on them. He was also a type of Christ or a shadow of the personage of the Redeemer. Jesus is our law giver as the first born and so it is by him and through him that we will be able to alter the consciousness of humanity, for he heads it as the first consciousness that felt separated from God. In that moment he was also given the vision and dream from God of the Redemption of Mankind and all of God’s creations.

It has been because of my years of studying the word of God and struggling to obey the law and commandments that Jesus taught that I have come to a place where my ego is bridled enough to allow me to accept the love of God and witness of Him in all things. A Course In Miracles is allowing me to do this on a level I never knew was possible. The Holy Ghost is my communicator between Jesus Christ, God-The Father, and myself, which is a small component of the Christ Child, the literal Son of God. I have developed a confidence in who I am while at the same time giving up all that I am (or believe or have been taught that I am) to understand the truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ and of God. So, instead of giving way continually to the ego and the cravings of the body I am able to be taught and led by the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

Through my walk in life I have carefully laid all that I hold sacred and of value at the feet of Jesus, my Friend, my Big Brother, and my Hope. Little by little or over and over again it has all been taken away. There is nothing remaining in me or my existence save a desire to know and do the will of God. I have given up accusations and judgments of others and myself. I may be found to appear to do that in my actions or my words as habits are difficult to change but I am not my actions or my words, or even my thoughts as shown by this hateful, hurtful, and sometimes beautiful world. I am my heart and will, which has always been and forever will be with God, The Father. This does not mean that I am not capable of identifying effects of the thoughts of those around me with clarity; it means I do so without any form of eternal judgment and without emotional attachment.

I believe in that which cannot be seen which is true. Only in this way do I have a hope of altering the consciousness of man so that he may awaken from the sleep that has come upon him and receive all that His Father hath.

I kneel before the feet of Jesus Christ and wash them with my tears of love, forgiveness, gratitude, and joy. I can only do this in spirit at this time but I hope to someday do so in truth with my fellow man as every knee shall bow and accept him as our Redeemer, loved, forgiven, and followed into the light and the glory of our God, the True Omnipotent, Omnipresent being who would have us receive of all that He is.

This dream is only the illusion of the possibilities of what may be if separation from God where possible. Once started it must play out to its fulfillment. But this does not mean that I am not capable of understanding who I am and who God is at this very moment and sharing the light of that understanding with all of mankind by virtue of simply being.

I am suspecting that this is all an incredible dream of the Lord, Jesus Christ’s or is it Christ’s of whom we are all a part. It just so happens that the thoughts of a god, which you are I also are, even erroneous thoughts, are so powerful that they create a reality (or at least a pseudo reality), an entire world and more, and we are part of that  (Um,) reality. We are created in His image and have the potential to understand and unite with His love completely, as well as to continue the process of creation or to continue the illusion of separation and despair even as we think. Wow…..

I think that is enough for now, till we meet again,

God bless you and yours,


Makeup or No Makeup That Is the Question… ;) Part 3

In the mind of the one who has the opportunity and gift of being allowed to forgive another, lies the choice of freedom that every human being must someday come to recognize and receive. It is in forgiving others that we allow our ego to be calmed enough to realize it too may be forgiven.

It is interesting, as I review my life and experiences with makeup, just how closely it walks with my spiritual journey in this life. My hormones as a young girl and teen walked hand in hand with all these things as well, and continue to do so. And even through my marriages and rearing of my children makeup played its part and symbolized to me a lot of how I hid from the world and/or went with the flow. It symbolized how I was able to make believe that I was living the life that people said was there to live.

I could share with you particulars of temptations and searching for truth, belonging, and connection but they are not so far different from your experiences I am sure, in principle at least. And they are still only my projections of what I thought life could do to me. In that light lets look at some of the things that I held dear in my belief system through my upper teens, 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s. The cliff notes are that I went through 4 marriages and divorces (including one sealing in the temple, which has since been removed in anticipation of a second sealing that never occurred), had 6 children and one miscarriage and basically depleted my emotional resources by the time I reached 49, so much so that I created an entirely new name and focus for myself. That will be discussed in the next entry of this series.

  • I believed people could use each other and walk away. Leaving no real clue or reason as to what was going on.
  • I believed the body of a woman was to stimulate sex, period. Likewise the male, meaning this must be its main purpose, that is certainly what everybody I came in contact with seemed to say.
  • I believed your body was to be used to give your children, your boss, your husband, the rest of humanity what they desired, but you had no right to exist of you own accord and it was not meant for your enjoyment.
  • I believed I would not be able to play the role I had been given to witness to the children of men, because I could not become the robot they wanted me to be.
  • I believed that I needed to take up the physical habits of others to get along in this world.
  • I believed your psyche is not yours and you are not to live by your own conscience or truth. you were to live by the standards of a cult-ture created for you by the society, family, neighborhood you lived in.
  • I believed that when two people get together in the name of their egos a cult-ture is created and that I would may or may not be privileged to be a part of and thus, exclusion was a possibility.
  • I also believed, when two or more are gathered in His name there He is….where one is remembering Him, there He is. I believed that most of the time it was just the Lord and me and that there must be something wrong with that.
  • I believed that people could take over your life or steal your life and the stewardship that God had given you as a daughter, friend, parent, spouse, grandma, etc.
  • I believed that looks had something to do with you “fitting” in this world.
  • I believed that life continues to have nothing but competition up to and through death, with grandchildren and the continued circle of extended family, etc.
  • I believed that you live to provide something for someone else and give life to children, who may in turn use you to manifest their own interpretation of reality and stuff you into a box, emotionally and mentally, and psychologically, like your parents and early caregivers did.
  • I believed outside influences should determine how I feel about myself and decide who I truly am.
  • I believed that groups of individuals with similar characteristics could group together and claim that they are the only ones discriminated against or that get the short end of the stick and that this is not simply a fact of life in this sphere of confusion and illusion.
  • I believed that other groups could rally and convince others that they are better by virtue of property, status, family connections, looks, color, gender, height, weight, fashion, protocol, behavior, righteousness, acceptance of others like themselves, and incredible diversion and separation was possible to unlimited extents.
  • I believed that there were any number of experiences and things to learn and places to see and situations and that I was able to somehow not experience each and every one of them due to time, circumstance, position, era, etc.
  • I believed that life is somehow only 3 dimensional.
  • I believed that all that is holy or decent can be attacked by our media, our schools and teachers, as early as pre-school age.
  • I believed I had to meet the social norms of society to be a good mom.
  • I believed that my failings were what gave my children their challenges in life and their problems. Thus I was the one to be held accountable and guilty.
  • I believed that even our religious organizations and families (parents in particular) will practice cover-up tactics instead of being truthful with what is going on.
  • I believed that phony social/religious/esteem fantasies can be created in societies to strip ones ability to discern what is right/wrong and false/true.

I found it interesting that I still had a sense that there could be a real caring family somewhere when it seemed I was living in an environment where people wanted to have anything but that. The standard works gave me a foundation in the gospel of Jesus Christ and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints gave me the place to practice those principles and grow by experience. Reading The Miracle of Forgiveness multiple times and learning how to not justify my behavior or that of others was a huge help. A Course In Miracles has helped me put the final pieces together, at least on a psychological level, and given me additional witness of what the Holy Ghost has been teaching me.

One might think that I would be angry or bitter but the opposite is quite true. The peace of knowing the truth releases the guilt and the desire or need to attack. I have to admit that I still find myself doing it at times in my thoughts and my words but it is sinking in to my being and I am changing to become aligned with the forgiveness of truth and not the forgiveness of guilt that feels justified in feeling victimized. I am finding a love inside me that is free of judgment, while at the same time, I am able to understand the need of the framework and structure that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints gives to mankind. At least the understanding is beginning and I can feel that there is a lot more to come.

What has this to do with makeup you may say. Well, makeup helped me stay in the social culture of the world around me for one thing and symbolized the ability to be able to say I was in the world when I really had no clue what was going on.

Next I will discuss the last 8 years of my life where phenomenal growth has occurred and how the makeup finally came off and 4 years later went back on.

This has not been an easy journey to pull this out of myself. Thank you for you patience, prayers, and understanding.



I just read Part Two of this series and thought about how I set the stage with what others did to me in that one but do not state my sins here. My children may feel this is unfair. They can write their story as they saw it, I leave that to them and will NOT seek to justify any harm from me they perceived. I am seeking to alter my inner voices and clear out the trash. I will say for their benefit I was not the perfect mom. I do not wish to burden you with the details. I believe four marriages and divorces suggests that I must have had some significant issues.


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