(Note: I am a woman who is currently 56 years of age and find myself in the middle of life with children grown and aging/deceased parents. I am also of reasonable good health at this time. This list consists the places that I recognize that there is “unusual stress” in my life. It may or may not be like the kinds of things that stress you out at this time of your life and growth.)

  • the inability to witness verbal or emotional abuse from or toward my children and grandchildren, as well as others without stating its offense…this comes with a keen ability to recognize these things as I have, out of necessity, sought to understand its nuances and  symptoms which are difficult to face up to but able to endure with the help of the Holy Ghost
  • the inability to be in the presence of those who have such outright self hatred (which they may or may not cognitively acknowledge to themselves) as to need to put everyone under their rule as manifest by “one upping” verbally or “out doing” by feeling they must out do or demean whatever gift anyone else may manifest (those who have this weakness/illness simply cannot tolerate my presence, I suspect because I will not yield to it and bow to their superiority…it reminds me of the Biblical story of Esther and how Mordecai refused to bow to Haman) (also worthy of note is that this is a well camouflaged behavior and it is only with years of prayer and real preparation to be willing to “see” that I have been able to get a witness of it, once I know it is there though, it is undeniable and I must yield to the knowledge and protect myself) Those who are capable of doing this can convince a lot of people that things are one way when they are really another as well. This can make it especially confusing for those who can “see” the lie and cause them to feel all the more isolated (as such they may respond with PTSD symptoms, being in the presence of a person with this behavior can cause great confusion to those who will submit to the obvious” superiority this person has…our “nice” and “politically correctness” facilitate this behavior very much). This is evidence of the great need of the companionship of the Holy Ghost, as well as God’s great mercy in allowing him to be here with us.
  • inability to be involved in casual chit chat and distress because I know this puts others in a place of discomfort…this is easing as I become stronger in my witness to allow people to be who they are and in honoring myself and not trying to be something that I am not….it can still be very challenging though because I choose to be engaged with life and its purpose before God and do not seek to just coast or chill (this comes a lot from the “control” behavior previously mentioned as well as my understanding of the opposite sex and our relationship to them…I will be writing on this in future entries)
  • I have a great aversion to being where I am not wanted and can tell when and where that is more and more…”you are not welcome here” has been literally and covertly said by many through the years…it has caused me to desire and develop a clear witness from the Holy Ghost of the Lord’s will in what I do and where I am…
  • communication is challenging, even when using the same language, the same symbols, because they will have different meanings depending on the person and the moment…another place where I have gained a great witness of the need of the companionship of the Holy Ghost and his witness of truthfulness
  • like an autistic child, I do not cope well with people who are capable of using two (or more) faces…and they quickly get a sense that I know that they do this…so you might say I am socially challenged, not having understood it previously I was so “just because”, now I am so because I choose to be…I believe this challenge is a “reality” of this existence though, and that those who seem to go through life without challenges in this area are deceiving us and very possibly themselves as well…it is the false illusion of stability in this very real chaotic environment…this confuses humanity a great deal and it is time to set the record straight…I get this witness from my gospel study as well as from what I am learning about quantum physics and in my meditation practice. If the world proclaimed what really is in life they could not sell as many anti-depressants etc, so do not expect them to back me up. You have to seek for a witness through the word of God and by the Holy Ghost individually and then have the courage to live by that witness.
  • to bear the pain that I feel for the innocent ones who are molested and abused I have chosen to not wear makeup any longer and to stand bare faced as a witness that I will not forget and as a symbol of the prayer in my heart for angels to attend them and help them endure and overcome that which they are asked to bear

These things separate me from people and have forced and encouraged me to create healthy boundaries. Sadly, along with it comes the separation from some, saddest is some of my children and those precious grand children who cry out to me with their eyes while I must stand by and know that I bear witness while not being able to do anything but live my life true to my faith and pray that God will give them what they need to get through the experiences they will be asked to endure in this life. I do not believe that it is my right to overstep their parents direction or decisions while they are in their youth but I will bear witness to my side of the story so that when they are older they are able to choose for themselves and if they wish to throw stones at their parents or me that is their choice, though I hope for their sake they do not fall for this trap. How I pray that they will know the plan of salvation well enough that in time they will have the ability to see it and the need of agency and freedom of choice that must be sustained even at great personal sacrifice and grief.

Prayer, meditation, fasting, scripture study, journal writing, genealogy, temple worship, church attendance and service, tithe, proper diet, exercise, and sleep are all part of the arsenal (tools/weapons) that I have been given to bear with this opportunity we call life. Living by the light I have been given and bearing witness are the other components that give me hope which is, of course, given by Heavenly Father, as manifested by his only begotten son, Jesus Christ, and witnessed of by the Holy Ghost.

They are my all in all. I know of their existence more than I know of my own. In fact, I feel the fragility of my existence in this life tremendously and seek with the energy of a drowning man to live by the truths that I understand that I may be converted and repent and have eternal life through the atonement of Jesus Christ. All the while I pray I may be a reflection of the light of Christ that others may find courage to act in faith on his name as well.

Freedom involves opening our eyes to the pain in the world and take action through prayer and how we live our daily lives.


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