Shattered and Shell Shocked

How do I let people know who I truly am and what I am feeling right now when I am so shell shocked, disappointed, and heart broken I have one of two choices, to crumble into a blob on the floor and take medication to numb my brain so I just do not care what is going on around me or allow the pain and anguish that I feel to catapult me into a place of strength and courage that my enthusiasm frightens those around me?!?

To be sincere and honest with people up close is simply not allowed in our country, communities, or homes. Has it ever really been or is that just another of the long list of propaganda that the media feeds us as they lead us, sometimes not so gently, to the work fields and eventually to the slaughter?

Have I given up on humanity? No, only because of my faith in Jesus Christ, his promises are sure and true. I have experienced the power of the atonement in my life and I know that there is hope in Jesus Christ. I also know that he sent each and every one of us into this world to face the “wolves in sheep’s clothing” along with the other dangers. The wolves in sheep’s clothing are the most dangerous I believe.

As a people we are trained to put blinders on, to avoid that which is none of our business and to “turn the other cheek”. Note how Christ’s teachings are more than welcome when it fits the objectives of the adversary that desires us all to be in bondage and to lose our inheritance. The adversary has seduced many a man and woman to meet his objectives.

Today our society has many advantages that even a decade ago where not available to the masses. At the same time the illnesses and attitudes of those who could allow such things as 9/11, the Holocaust, and Christians being fed to the lions is rampant. There is no nation, community, village, hut, or home where his hatred has not numbed the minds and hearts of those we live among.

Theft, bullying, false accusations, adulteries, and “soul crushers” abound. As a child growing up in a very dysfunctional environment I felt certain there were those out there in the world somewhere that were whole, kind, decent, safe, caring. I have looked for 57 years and I have found only one who has that capacity in its real form without the camouflage of prejudice and self aggrandizement. At the very least they cannot “see” me and my suffering because they do not even acknowledge their own fully. We all do this and will do this as long as we continue to claim this as life, instead of seeing it as a portal through which we must pass to receive life.

No one save the Savior himself has yielded fully to this truth. He did it by being true to himself, so many say it was in being true to God, the Father and, yes, he did that but not before being true to who he was and acknowledging that completely. We have to do that as well. We need to allow ourselves to “be” and then we can truly turn ourselves over to him and his will. If we do it the other way around we only put on pretense that can fool even ourselves into thinking we are something we are not.

It is through a knowledge and continual study of his teachings that I am able to continue my work and my life here on the earth. I have come to know Christ. I have felt his presence and his love for us. I have felt his continual outstretched hand that says “Come, follow me”. It takes courage and strength of character to be able to admit who we are in this sphere. Christ said “Only God is good”. And I believe he meant that in all its meaning. He likewise was in a developmental stage. He did not come here without things to learn about himself and the flesh.

The power of discernment is huge for us to be able to “see” what we need to see to do to be healed and follow through on fulfilling the instructions and work we were given here to do. We must be able to “hear” the whisperings of the Holy Ghost that will guide us in our individual responsibilities in this work of Heavenly Father’s of bringing all mankind to the place where they may choose life. We do this first by getting ourselves there, no matter what it takes.

I am committed to this work and am willing to give whatever it takes to do it. No embarrassment or mishap will stop my determination to do what I can to declare the truthfulness of this man’s mission and my commitment to it. I do not expect it to be easy. I do trust that he will honor my efforts and guide me along and stand by my side if I do not falter in my resolve.

Prayers for this work and that of thousands of others who have the capacity to “see” would be most appreciated…till next time, God bless and bye for now.

Christ is what gives me courage to go forward.

If only we could look to Christ instead of looking at one another. If our thoughts were first what would Jesus have me do we would be focused on who we are and not who others are. Christ is our answer. Christ is our hope. Christ is our joy.

Exo 14:1 Mark 4:1
The Egyptians follow the Israelites to bring them back. The Lord guides them into the wilderness and across the Red Sea. The Egyptians complained to Moses that they wanted to stay in Egypt and be servants. They did not want to be free. Are we like the Egyptians, more willing to serve man than we are to serve God even if that means bondage instead of freedom? Jesus taught the meaning of the sower of the seed to those who believed. Are we among those who truly believe? Is the Holy Ghost able to get our attention so that we are taught the things that will bring us closer to God or are we enticed more by the things of this world? The cares of this world…the deceitfulness of riches…or the lusts of other things…Do these two passages not contain a similar question we need to ask ourselves? Are we willing to be free? What are we holding onto that keeps us from being in the presence of the Lord?

Knowledge of Christ Gives Me Courage to go Forward

On the blog talk radio program, Scriptures for the Latter Days, we talked about freedom in two different contexts. One was the Israelites as they left Egypt, in Exodus 14:11-12. The Egyptians complained to Moses that they wanted to stay in Egypt and be servants. They did not want to be free.  Even after the many plagues and “passovers” that the Lord had given them the people were still desirous to be “safe” in bondage to the Egyptians. Of course, they were seeing the Egyptians following them now and thought they would be killed, but where was their faith in the God who had preserved them?

Are we like the Egyptians, more willing to serve man than we are to serve God even if that means bondage instead of freedom? I am proposing that it would be better to face death at the hand of my enemy rather than live comfortably among those who hate God and turn from him at every opportunity. I do not believe that man understands the meaning of freedom. I do not believe he understands who he is or what his purpose is.

Jesus taught in Mark 4 the meaning of the sower of the seed to those who believed. Are we among those who truly believe? Is the Holy Ghost able to get our attention so that we are taught the things that will bring us closer to God or are we enticed more by the things of this world? (See Mark 4:19) The cares of this world…the deceitfulness of riches…or the lusts of other things…

Listen to the discourse on

Do these two passages not contain a similar question we need to ask ourselves? Are we willing to be free? What are we holding onto that keeps us from being in the presence of the Lord?

I understand well the draws of this world, this “life” if you will. I suggest to you that Christ is teaching us that we are not of this world. Our appetites, lustful desires, even relationships that do not allow us to be centered in Christ alone are dangerous and have no lasting meaning. Am I saying be isolated! Quite the contrary, I am suggesting that we unite in the decision to think of Christ first in all that we do and offer up all that we do unto God in the name of Jesus Christ so that it might be sanctified unto us.

We cannot just be satisfied to know that Jesus is the Christ, nor can we be satisfied just going about our business while the world corrupts around us. We need to use whatever means we have to testify that Jesus is the Christ and that by no other means may we obtain LIFE. Truly, this is not Life, it is the valley of the shadow of death, it is where we may choose life and true life is to be found in Jesus Christ alone.




I am the learner/student/servant. I am the messenger. I seek the Holy Ghost and his direction along the way. You might say I consider the Holy Ghost The Master Communicator of the teachings of The Master, Jesus Christ.

While I am a member in good standing of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints (Mormons) I in no way speak for the church. My thoughts and interpretations are mine alone and I accept responsibility for them. My purpose is to give food for thought in hopes that I might assist you to find your path to true existence and abundant life.

With love and gratitude for all that I have been given, including the challenges which I count as blessings,

Debra, Christa-Ann, Ann, Gramma, Mom, and anything else you want to call me. : )   …even Debbie or Deb, though I am not quite comfortable with that yet…lol

Forgiving Ourselves Can Sometimes Be The Hardest

Sometimes the person hardest to forgive, as we go through life, is ourselves. Even when we try with all our might to do our best it is sometimes not good enough and we just plain mess up. This is a part of freedom and a part of realizing that this life is not true “life” but a testing place where we get to learn principles about the ways of God to be truthful. When we forgive ourselves and others we are able to be taught, by the Holy Ghost, the true and correct principles of eternity, line upon line of course, meaning we get a little bit here and a little bit there. None of us are capable of receiving all things of God at once. It is simply beyond our mortal capacity. And, by God’s grace, that is not required of us either. What is required is a humble and willing heart. To be contrite means to be sorry for what we have done and willing to do better, this sort of attitude welcomes the Holy Ghost and his teachings and as we listen and heed the promptings and take them into our hearts the principles become part of us.

My writing this today is part of my understanding as I woke up this morning that I could have handled a situation better. Sincere affection and love unfeigned is not something that I accept very well. I would have to say maybe not at all. I cannot help but wonder at the life my children must have had as we grew up together. I am sure that there were times when I simply was not there for them. When they were young I knew how to teach them and I did so by practice and principle as I sought through my own repentance process. But my ability to be independent and survive may well have assisted the natural process of children to want to leave the nest too early.

Another component that goes with freedom is to realize that the race is not done as long as you have breath in your body. Some doors may be closed but there are a thousand more that can be opened. Heavenly Father is well aware of our shortcomings and our efforts. He truly hears our prayers, especially as we pray for those who have offended us or that we have offended. He will come to their aid if they seek him. This is the key component of this life. That we seek after him and his will and know that what is accomplished or achieved in this life is done so by his grace alone.

We are taught that God gave us weaknesses that we might be humbled. Truly we are eternal beings and could have been sent here capable of doing so much more. But that was not the purpose of this “place and time” that we are in. It is for the testing and strengthening of our souls so that we are made capable and worthy of the tasks ahead that will be revealed to us as we go into the eternities.

I pray forgiveness from those that I have offended and offer absolute forgiveness and deliverance, in as much is within my power, to all who have offended me or my brethren, including myself. I place all in the hands of the divine creator, even God, the Father and his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost who guides, comforts, protects, and instructs those who are willing to go through the fire of learning. I say these things with great humility, acknowledging my own weaknesses. In Jesus name, Amen.

Discernment is Vital to the Existence of the Free

Everything that enters the consciousness does so with permission from God and, I believe, from the self. It is up to you to interpret what you receive and to put it in its proper framework within God’s sphere and not society’s, your friends’, parents’, spouses’, lovers’, or child’s, nor even your own. We are not taught this because we believe that this is the sphere that we belong in and that is not so. We have forgotten that we are merely responding to a test, a boot-camp, a trial period, probationary time, and our sole responsibility is to acknowledge God in all that we do. Once we truly do this our eyes will be opened and we will the world much differently than we do today.

Discernment begins with understanding that things are not what they seem and that in all around you there are messages from Heavenly Father to guide you back to him. If you cling to relationships, possessions or even to your own thoughts, feelings, or pain, you run the risk of becoming trapped there. You must look to Christ and ask for his assistance and he will send angels and the Holy Ghost to direct you and teach you what you were sent here to do.

It does not come in one big picture, but it does come, line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little. Do not allow yourself to be trapped and stuck like a fly on a twirly strip of fly paper. Move forward. There will be pain, it is a part of being alive. Do not fear it but embrace it, feel it, and let it pass through you so that you can be cleansed instead of denying it and getting it stuck in your psyche and in your physical being so that it causes you a self-destructive pain. Do not fight it and it passes easier. Breathe and look to Christ. He knows how to comfort you, he is so wanting to help, but he will not force himself on you. You do not have to carry the burden of the pain alone.

Someone told a story today in church about a kitten who had been through some rough experiences. Her personality is strong and it was noted that perhaps she needed that to survive her challenges. Usually cantankerous she can be quite pleasant when she wants to be fed. He likened that to us and I really liked the analogy.

May I suggest that we need to keep ourselves hungry and in a state of needing the assistance of Christ so that we might be receptive to his teachings and be willing to listen for the still small voice of the Holy Ghost. If we truly had the developed the ability of discernment we would understand the “dangers” that surround us at every turn. We would welcome the feeling and assurance that we are literally carried in his hands from here to there and that we are to be on the look out for how we can assist others so that they might feel of his love through our ministries.

If You Choose To Fly (Be Free)

You just might end up an outsider for a while, maybe permanently. Is it worth it? YES! If it means life, then the answer is a resounding YES! The reality is, that it is possible to “fly” and live at a much higher level than the majority of mankind is currently willing to do and that if you go after those heights you may well find yourself alone. That was the message of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingston Seagull some 40 years ago, as Jonathon was named an Outcast because he desired to learn what it meant to really fly. That message still rings true and stirs souls today. I believe that mankind is preparing for a breakthrough and when it happens it will be huge and world-wide. You can see the shell cracking around the world as terms are being used such as “to be”, freedom, being engaged, conscious living.

It is possible that there will many who will need to step up and walk this path alone. Are you willing to be a pioneer? Are you willing to go into a new frontier if you might have the ability to lead others through the dark? What would you give or give up to have that knowledge and assurance that you would find real meaning in life and be able to leave a trail behind for others to follow? Yesteryear it was likely that you would be outcast,
however today, it is much easier to connect online with those who either think like you or need what you have that you may not need to really go it alone. Or is that true?

The reality is that we all travel through the world alone on some level. Whether we have others near us or not, it is myself that I need to know first and then I need to honor what I know, be true to myself, and then I can share it with others. It actually took a long time for me to be willing to look at myself and face up to where I was at, not to mention those around me and what was really going on with them. It is so easy to make excuses for ourselves and others and justify why we do something that we really don’t believe in doing. It actually took the companionship of the Holy Ghost for me to be able to do this. And that grew within me as I did my best over the years to align myself with the principles of the gospel.

Even now, on the other side of my “known” addictions and shortcomings I struggle
to find the means to communicate to those around me that there is a better way to live. I have peace now and contentment and I know the Lord walks with me. To walk this way in isolation without doing everything that I can to try and share it with others would just not be real. It would not be living true to who I really am and what I have learned about life. Reaching out to others becomes a necessity once you have truly found peace because that peaceful place testifies that we are all one and we are to share our light with one another.  At the same time it takes effort and courage, even if it is to only shut out the voices that say you cannot do this. I look forward to the journey and the continued adventure of the free.

I am the learner/student/servant. I am the messenger. I seek the Holy Ghost and his direction along the way. You might say I consider him the master communicator of
the teachings of The Master, Jesus Christ.

While I am a member in good standing of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints (Mormons) I in no way speak for the church. My thoughts and interpretations are mine alone and I accept responsibility for them. My purpose is to give food for thought in hopes that you might find your path to true existence and abundant life.

Discernment and Freedom

Merriam-Webster definition for discernment =

1 : the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure : skill in discerning
2 : an act of perceiving or discerning something

Discernment is not about judging really, especially not judging a person. It is about deciding if you choose to incorporate or assimilate what is being given to you and choosing the framework you will receive it in.

It is being willing to hear yourself and trusting in your ability to have clear and correct opinions as to what is healthy or acceptable to you.

Many of us have this ability squashed out of us as we are told that we do not know what we think or feel, often by those that we should be able to trust. And it is often done by when we are in a vulnerable position. If done early enough and long enough when we are young we will accept that as a fact even once we are older and on our own, not unlike the elephant who having been trained as a little fellow will not pull away from the chain he could easily break as an adult.

We need to take this capacity back. It is vital to our ability to be free.

What Others Think of Me is None of My Business

When it comes to being free when do you decide to be real? And what about the fact that we are social people? In other words we are not just one person, or even two people, we are several people and we need to be nice and not get into other people’s business or allow our feelings to be shown so that we do not expose other people’s business right?!!! Well, I believe, that freedom includes risk. Actually a great deal of it, cautious risk but risk. Just like walking across the street we could be hit by a car, so with speaking or writing you never know when someone is going to choose to knock you down. This happens everywhere to every age, sex, race, and any other demographic you want to come up with. We cannot let that cause us to give up or go inside ourselves and be self serving in a way that does not serve others. I personally believe that serving others is the best way to serve ourselves which would mean that we would be allowed to grow. Serving others, in other words, is the best way to serve yourself and to serve Heavenly Father. (To me this is the real SECRET, if you know what I mean.)

We can get held as hostages to family or societal protocol that is typically upheld to support the wicked and if it can be done in the name of “nice” so much the better. If we yield to this we will be bought by society and reap their reward. Sad end to this story is that they have no authority to give you anything of lasting value. Personal integrity will see you through so many things. It used to be said, “Don’t do anything that would make you ashamed to look in the mirror the next day about”. Nothing is worth lying to yourself or lying to God. I know that to get along in this world you need to “fudge” things now and again. You cannot speak your full mind or share your full heart but if you will find ways to do so little by little you will find that you will have opportunities to grow and learn about yourself and find your own voice and here is where freedom begins.

It is important to honor yourself and others. I know someone who says they are uncomfortable in my presence. Okay, I will honor this one and not be in their presence because to do so exposes me to cruelty, quite frankly. I did not understand this for years. I did not understand that I did not have to be subject to this anger nor to the abuse of the lies that have been told of me. These false accusations were believed because I come from a place of abuse and was willing to acknowledge it for the sake of growth and learning for myself. Because of the way society is set up I was judged without a jury and the consequences have been huge but mostly on the one who chose to find offense and those who chose to support this person and the next generation.

I cannot be accountable for what others think of me, nor can you. What others think of me is none of my business. What I think of me is and what God thinks of me is. If I am doing all I can to search the scriptures and listen to the still small voice of the Holy Ghost within me to know if their accusations fit or not and if their suggestions lead me on a path of light or into a trap of betrayal I am doing the best I can.

This applies to “keeping up with the Jone’s” as well or trying to please everyone.

I work hard at remembering that I am a child of God and that I need to give myself the space to make mistakes. The world does not allow this, whether you are a child, teen, parent, male, female, there is someone (and usually many someones) that will point at you and laugh or ridicule but you just want to be sure you please God and yourself by being honest with who you are one step at a time.

A Big Tangled Ball of Yarn

Sometimes freedom can seem like you found your way into gramma’s yarn basket after the cat has been playing with the yarn. It is just so tangled and jumbled and you know there is a beginning and an end but you do not know where that really is. Society has painted freedom as a clear cut, cookie cutter, metaphor that has no flaws and that is so false and truly so less than rewarding. Freedom, in any form, is progressive and moving and free flowing like nature, time, life, learning, and love. 

Addictions and Suicidal Tendencies Just May be a Sign You Are Very Near Nirvana

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or licensed therapist of any sort. I am a mother, a woman, a Christian, with some experience working with the challenges that life can present us and turning to Heavenly Father for assistance. Anything I say is said with great respect for your ability to recognize and own your present moment and if anything I say appears to do less than that please let me know and I hope your will understand it was not meant to do that. Also, while I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints I do not speak on behalf of the church but as a child of God and a disciple of Jesus Christ. Blessings!

This is a copy of a comment that I wrote on another person’s blog who had written about her struggle with cutting and what she understood about it and challenges she had living with that addiction:

“I have an addictive personality. I have had many things that I have had to wean myself off of. I could pretty well relate them to figuratively “beating my head against the wall”, in a way a slow form of suicide. That is how I look at where I have been. There are a lot of ideas in the world that say that we should be this way or that and there are a lot of relationships whose purpose is to keep you off balance and not knowing where you stand and that creates an attitude of “craziness” in your head as you try to ground yourself in anything meaningful, so the addictions give a place of stability or as you say at least perceived “control” for the moment which can bring relief when you are in a place of such pain.
I am just now beginning to see these attitudes of self abuse and suicidal tendencies or thoughts (not saying yours are but myself and others I have known and know of) might just be signs of those who are on the verge of discovering real life.
Does that sound crazy? I suppose it does, but I know that there is a place of great pain that we need to cross over before “real life” or “enlightenment” can occur. I have crossed that river and it is great to be on the other side. I also know that it is possible for me to allow myself to sink into depths I do not care to imagine if I chose to turn from the path of faith and hope that I am on so that makes me no greater than you or anyone else.
Real life (the ability to accept where you are right now and continue to grow and learn) and enlightenment (the awareness that we are all in this together and that we are already one and embrace the desire to lift all up, even those who hurt us, thus creating a desire and acknowledging a responsibility, to help lift others while keeping oneself in a safe place) are incredible things. They are worth every sacrifice and difficult experience to come to the place where you can truly embrace these in your day to day walk.
Dear I am going to put this in my blog,
because it is very applicable to my personal journey to freedom and what I want to share with the world. You may share it in the comments on your blog or not as you wish.
Here are a couple of links I would encourage you to check out. You might see if there is anything that you can find that gives you some understanding of where you are and where you want to be:
Your reference to going from hyper feeling of anger to non-feeling reminds me of his figure 8 trap that we get into and it really does become a vicious cycle. There is hope though. I wish you well in your journey and thank you for being willing to be so candid about where you are. Hugs and, if I may say so, you have a Heavenly Father who knows and understands your pain and he will help you through it if you are willing to take hold of the helps he sends your way and begin to believe in you as he does. No one can or should carry you but we can lead you into the light of hope and once there you can lead others there as well.”
As the title of this post suggests I am beginning to believe that getting to the end of your rope may be the very place that is at the door of true enlightenment and the joy spoken of by Christ as we partake of the living truth that we are all one and to harm any is to harm ourselves. He said peace I leave with you, not as the world gives it but as the Father gives it. It takes stepping into the unknown and being willing to walk there even as Peter and Christ walked on the water. It is real though and miracles happen here all the time. Won’t you consider being a part of that miracle and trust that the pain will not consume you as you let the Holy Ghost guide you and make you one with God.

PS  I also told her that I may be way off base and not responding in a way that she feels good about. I do not wish to take away her “being” her perception of where she is. I only desire to offer a hand of fellowship and hope. Freedom is something that must be obtained by the individual and protected and defended for all. This is my witness at this time. May God continue to teach us all and unite us as his children.

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